the little pleasures in life....

For my next topic/chapter/post/what have you, i am bravely taking on the subject of vibrators. That's right I said it. Let's break the silence people! Put down your armor of judgement and really open yourself up (literally) to the possibility of something OUT of of your comfort zone and IN or around your bikini zone. Good god, I'm laughing and embarrassed right now for even writing that (and i'm about as open as they come--NOT literally, but figuratively, in the sense that I have no shame and can talk freely about anything) But what IS it about this particular topic that is so taboo? So unheard of! Shameful even! What is all the mystery surrounding girls and masturbating and the toys we use. What's wrong with everyone talking about it? I mean OBVIOUSLY not everyone...i certainly don't intend to send this particular post to my father... definitely my therapist...but not my father. My goal is that this influences ONE girl out there to convert and start using it and LOVING it. By "it" I am referring to.... duh duh duh DUH (trumpet sounds) The Pocket Rocket. Now I know some people may prefer The Rabbit (and I've never tried that to be honest) but it's huge and awkward looking and just seems like such a daunting piece of machinery to bring into my bed. I prefer a tiny dainty pink feminine-looking toy that is quiet and gets straight to the point!  I've had my very own pink piece of heaven for a loooonnnnnggg time. That little pocket of joy has been with me through ups and downs, the good the bad, and no.. a vibrator can't bring me flowers on valentine's day, or sing me happy birthday but I promise you.... after just one time flowers will be the LAST thing on your mind ladies, TRUST ME, and you'll be singing and screaming and SNAPPING happy birthday to your goddamn self, and you won't even care who knows it! whew, is it hot in here? 

This whole subject was brought up during my recent visit to that big beautiful city of New York. My mother's childhood best friend lives there and I was meeting her for lunch to catch up and gossip, etc.  Inevitably, the subject of sex was brought up...by me of course, and she hesitantly whispered that it had been quite some time since she had sex...a VERY long time actually. And as we were sitting there...two ladies lunching...at a very fancy, quiet little restaurant..... i casually asked, "well you masturbate right?" (i would say my tone was in the same vein as if i said something like "well you do breathe in and out, right?"  She looks over at me, horrified. And I'm genuinely curious, looking over at her, and COMPLETELY serious. The shock eventually left her face and she said under her breath, "well no, it takes too much time"  And my girlfriends and I (the next day over brunch) all said the same thing.... 1) YOU MAKE TIME! 2) you mean to tell me you don't have ONE sunday afternoon where you could tell your roommate you're exhausted and need a "nap" (i may or may not do this every sunday) and 3) YOU MAKE TIME!!!  But when i picked and prodded a little further into this poor woman's sex life (or lack of) I said...you do have a VIBRATOR, don't you? And when she said, "oh god no I've never used one before." Now it was my turn to look horrified and shocked. I was stunned. Mouth agape. I almost choked on my glass of chardonnay (it was a late lunch, I was on vacation, give me a break) Now, I should point out that I have nothing against the women out there who masturbate and don't use vibrators, I mean even though I think the last time I did that was when I was 11. But, hey, if you can do it and enjoy it GO FOR IT! Just not my style, I'm more of an on-the-go kinda gal with an agenda....getting off.  And yes, that may sound crude, and I'm trying to make this more of a beautiful, God-intended-kind of- thing.... so here is a little quote I found on the back of one of my many perfume bottles (fittingly named Falling in Love by Philosophy) (yah i know.... i even went through a phase of "maybe if i wear a perfume called falling in love I will secret the men to come flocking over to me") (yah there was no flock, but the perfume smells amazing!)  ANYWAYS, i digress....The quote on the back of the bottle reads, "Falling in love with others begins with falling in love with ourselves" (blech! i know gag me) but here is the good part..."Loving ourselves is healthy. Learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul, and your BODY. And only then will you understand what it is to truly love another." SEEEEEEEEEE loving yourself, and your body and masturbating and getting yourself off (especially with a vibrator) is PERFECTLY healthy and good for you, and will probably even help you in your search to find a man!!!  I know for a FACT it instantly puts me in a better mood... I'm giggly and happy and giddy as a schoolgirl.  Not to mention there's also this entirely separate issue of how the act of masturbating actually helps you figure out what does the trick for YOU, specifically. Each woman is obviously very different and likes different things, and in order for us to go out and get those things we have to know what it is we're looking for. Essentially, we have to buy the right equipment before we go camping. I've never been camping so that's a bad example....um.... you need the right forever21 dress before you go out to the club... the right vodka to make a martini, etc. 

Needless to say, I went STRAIGHT over to Ricky's (a glorious, all-encompassing sex toy and beauty product all in one store- my mecca) to buy my mom's friend a vibrator. As I was searching the aisle with my friend to find the Original Pocket Rocket, she turned to me and said, "when i'm old and not getting any, I hope I have a young hip girl in my life who will buy me a vibrator." And as we walked out of the store the gay and fabulous beautiful black man at the cashier turned to me and snapped and said, "Me too, hunny" 

So please readers.... Explore, have fun, see what you like, enjoy earth shattering orgasms MY GOD! This should not be a task, I should not have to tell you twice. You should be getting the keys to your car and walking out the door to purchase a vibrator RIGHT NOW, you don't even have to time to finish reading this post. In fact, I'm gonna stop writing myself. If I wasn't at work I would be running home right this very minute.  Hey, with my vibrator, I could even make it happen on my lunch break.  Yah I said it! Sue me....

Spanx

First of all if you do not own a pair, if you've never tried them on, or if you've never had a need to wear them for an event or even just a night out then A) you will have NO idea what i'm talking about, but i hope you enjoy the read anyway and B) you are probably a skinny bitch that has never had to actually wear them, kudos to you!  

this is not even really a post at all...more of just a comment, but one that i want to have in writing somewhere in my life. I just want to say that if it wasn't so horrific I would most DEFINITELY have a video of me putting on my spanx. Literally im like one of those little car hula girls that someone has pulled WAAAAAY back and then they let go and i just BOLT forward and backward about 8,000 times before they are on correctly. It really is a work out in itself just to put them on... maybe it's the workout before that actually makes you look ten pounds lighter and not the unbreathable fabric that cuts off your circulation.

And another thing .... is it just me or do they need to reform and update their styles and make ones for JUST the midsection area...must the legs of the spanx go ALL the way down to my knees? i mean if i decide to cross my legs, i don't need the legs creeping out when i wear my slutty dresses, ok? i would like to at least give the ILLUSION that, yes, i am in fact JUST THAT toned and slender. but i can't DO that when there is even the slightest trace of hosiery in sight for all to see! use your heads oh wise makers of the spanx...create a thong style spank or a booty/boy short spank perhaps. Keep in mind that many of your clientele are probably curvy women with low self esteem so they wear sluttier clothes. Do you see how these things correlate?  

Lastly, there's the subject of that little hole in the crotch for bathroom use and all other uses (whatever they may be-use your imagination) Commmmmme onnnnnnnn people, I SERIOUSLY think that if we are in the heat of the moment chances are we’re gonna just rip the damn things all the way off. We would not want ANYONE, especially a hot guy, learning that we are not really that toned until we are in sufficient dark lighting. And when it comes to the bathroom--which is what those holes were actually meant for anyways...we have time. i think we would allll agree that the sanitary thing to do is just remove them completely. I really don't think I even need to go into details of the many mishaps that can (and did) occur whilst trying to pee through a tiny hole. Disaster.

In conclusion spanx ladies, really good work so far, but I’m starting to feel like Al Gore in the quest for a healthy environment here. Let’s make it happen in my generation please? Thanks.