Stalking is an art form

When you hear the word stalker or stalking it usually has a bad connotation...your mind may suddenly go to those creepy guys who make sandra bullock and jennifer garner feel uncomfortable. but the kind of stalking i'm referring to is the kind that we have allll done at some point in our lives (and don't you dare shake your head-you KNOW who you are, and i'm here to tell you it's ok). This type of stalking is always done in good taste...it usually starts when you and a guy first start to take an interest in one another --OR if there's that one guy in the office or at the local Starbucks that you “just know would be in love with me if he just met me or maybe even knew my name..." (i put that in quotes because it was something one of my co-workers was explaining to me ...absolutely nothing I'VE ever said, i would neevvvverrr say something like that) But I will admit to a little “safe stalking” once or twice... And by safe stalking I am referring to the sweet, subtle techniques one may use to get that special someone to notice you and possibly even strike up a conversation.

My stalking career began at the tender age of 14 when i first started to really like boys (BIG mistake, but what can you do ?) I began to notice that all these cute boys were going to some sort of place called church. Now, trust me, I know that I am the last person that you would think is religious but at the time I was curious after all— I mean.. there were awesome girls that were funny as hell and NICE-which was rare in high school- and did I mention cute boys?? So to church I WENT!!!! Keep in mind this was not your average church, it was like a “cool” new age church with a rock band and trips to go snowboarding. It was amazing! And there gorgeous boys everywhere I turned! Ohhhhh the things I was thinking in that church.... ANYWAYS...It was right then and there that I realized the best way to get someone to notice you is to put yourself in their path. If that means walking a few minutes (or miles) out of your way to get to your class... or you just happen to walk by their locker at the time that they need their next book for class, or if you know for a fact that they were going on the snowboarding trip to Utah and this would mean one on one time on the slopes and they could help you if you happened to fall and then you just happen to kiss passionately on top of a mountain!!!!!! Well needless to say the only part of that fantasy that actually came true was the part about me falling down the mountain... but you get the point.  

We can use this same formula as adults in the workplace.. whether that is planting your close friend near his desk and have her Instant Message you when he gets up to go to the bathroom and you just happen to be in the hall at the same time, or receiving BBM's from your boss letting you know when he is in the kitchen- these are just a few examples of really taking action and putting yourself out there (a little bit at a time) to get what (or who) you want. I think of men in the same way as I think of jobs....just get me in the room...just get me an interview, let him meet me, let him get to know me-- I WILL get that job and I WILL get that man!! ***all of this delusional positive thinking is probably why I am still working at my miserable job, and if any of these methods actually DID work I would be blissfully happy with a man who adores me ...but I HAVE come close and I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with a little power of positive thinking, and I’m pretty sure I have a lot of good coming my way reeaaal soon so don’t rain on my fucking parade, ok?  

But enough about me, even though the whole point of this godforsaken blog is to talk about me, I think it’s time to draw our attention to some of my readers who have successfully (and shamefully) dabbled in a little stalking action themselves.  It might make you feel a little better to know that you are in good company when you read the following responses...

1. Figure out the time he goes to the gym -(this was clearly pointed out to me by a skinny bitch friend of mine and now even I am starting to realize the endless possibilities of the gym—a glorious place (that I hate) where I can hunt down cute guys and feel a little bit better about my fat ass at the same time!  Usually the best times to go are early morning (6-8am) or evening (after 7) NEVER go in the middle of the day—unless you want some loser out-of-work musician/comedian or worse ...unemployed actors!!!!!  Once you’ve established your man’s time of arrival, figure out his routine, see which machines he uses, and just happen to “not know how to work this machine” BOOM- ice is broken! You’re welcome.
2. Get to know their friends. I personally swear by this rule. It is so important that his friends like/LOVE you. You must be the cool girl that brings over beer and watches football (don’t worry, this is only for the trial period when you reel him in, once he’s caught you never have to watch sports again) Once his friends like you they will then hopefully just happen to bring you up in a conversation... “hey that tanya girl is awesome!” then he is thinking about you like crazy...he thinks what a smooth transition it would be to have her over and hang out with the guys, she’s totally low maintenance and if you happen to make out a little down the road that’s great too! Pretty soon you are celebrating your 2 month anniversary and he’s calling you “babe” -which I already said is gross and you can never do that around me —but this is my fantasy and it’s perfectly acceptable for my pretend boyfriend to call me babe.
3. Drive bys--- no not the kind in Compton--Remember this is peaceful stalking. But this idea of a drive-by was new to me too. This girl (who shall remain nameless but you know who you are) said that she and her friends would actually drive by her ex-boyfriend’s house and see if their car was parked in the driveway or if there were any other cars there (ie: a new girlfriends maybe! The nerve!!!!! )  This is a BAAAAD idea, for obvious reasons, and I would not recommend it. To take it a step further one girl even went so far as to drive around for 45 minutes in this guy’s neighborhood until he came home, then called him and said “hey, I was just in the neighborhood...wanna grab coffee?” And that one actually worked! But I don’t have the balls the time or the lack of pride for that obvious trick... But again, I wanted to make sure I rounded out this post with a range of stalking—the good the bad and the just plain desperate.
4. Go to the bars they like. There are a few bars that certain guys frequent a lot. We all know they are not out dancing on tables at clubs —unless we are speaking of a certain bridge and tunnel crowd and if that’s your bag-you’re on your own! It’s simple--Men are creatures of habit-they need two things....Food (in this case booze goes under the category of food) and SEX. Therefore, if you just happen to be at their favorite bar and he’s already got Food checked off his list..there’s nothing left to think about but Sex!
   

As we are nearing the end of my worthless rant I want you to remember one thing....There is a fine line between cute and creepy. A wise married friend of mine once told me it comes down to one word...reciprocation. Basically anything you do is considered ok if you get the go ahead that he likes you back. And let’s not kid ourselves ladies, you can just tell, you know? These instinctual feelings you have will then lead you to either A) keep pursuing or B) hang back and never speak to him again and avoid him at all costs. So please keep that in mind before you do anything drastic.

BUT in the rare case that they technically haven’t even met you YET... I say there’s no harm in giving your man a little shove in the right direction :) Happy trails! 

LIAR!!!!!

The above clip is... in my opinion...one of the greatest scenes in cinema history.  This little clip of joy PERFECTLY illustrates what i want to discuss for my next post. I know what you're thinking... How can one scene with a running time of 34 seconds sum up the hurt, betrayal, and embarrassment you feel when you think a guy is just starting to take an interest and then you NEVER hear from him again? It's simple. Watch the clip but this time really start to notice the little nuances of the scene in it's entirety 1) she's in bed and clearly looks depressed and distraught-- and you just KNOW that feeling could only come from two things-- a guy, or a death. 2) she's watching a trashy soap opera--amazing  3) her best girlfriends come to her rescue with smoothies and 4) she's eating a box of chocolates. Genius. We have ALLL had those moments of disenchantment. We get so caught up in our fantasy that this guy could be the one (you may have known him 5 minutes or 5 years) and the second you let your guard down- WHAM!  they crush you and your spirits like a butterfly on a goddam car windshield with a very reckless, rude, mean and bad--BAAAADDD man at the wheel.  

Now I don't want for this post to sound bitter like my other ones (which are meant to be bitter and yah i'm definitely bitter) this is more of a shock and confused post. I want to point out that i have it on good authority that i'm not the only one who has experienced this type of rejection. And it happens to all of us on very different levels....and yet, they all seem to end with the same result-- He said he would call, and he doesn't.  The question i want to pose to my male readers (if there are any) is WHY do you feel the need to go out of your way to lie to a girl? Let's say (hypothetically) you and this guy are talking and texting and when it comes time to meet he says "sure, i'll call you tomorrow" and unless i'm looking at my sun dial wrong i believe tomorrow is not TEN DAYS LATER, so i'm pretty sure at this point you are definitely blowing me off and never actually planned on calling me in the first place (and by me i mean us -as in women everywhere) I feel like taking time out of your day to pick up the phone and say 'i'll call you tomorrow' takes a lot more effort than just leaving me the hell alone. 

*** A good rule of thumb gggggentleman***  Try to refrain from all funny, cute or flirtatious comments at any point, and please do not describe yourself as a "really nice guy" if you don't plan on doing anything about it. And ladies i am telling you from experience.. if a guy ever tells you anything that sounds remotely like this.... "But i already told my mom about us" or "Well i will just have to meet your dad, I think he will really like me"  RUN!!!!! run as fast as you can. Trust me, i know that stuff sounds fucking adorable at first, but any guy that knows just what to say and when to say it, or if he's a little too smooth-something is definitely wrong with him. But who can blame me (us) ??? Girls get excited verrrryy easily, and most of the time conversation consists of things that i put in my last post (read below on what NOT to do) so when there is even an inkling that someone gets your humor, and you two sort of just start to click- chances are...he's a psycho who can't commit. 

*Thanks to michelle who helped me convert this video clip,  since i clearly take the short bus to computer school. 

Pillow Talk

There is a reason that phrase was coined in the first place.... 'pillow talk'  is meant to take place while you are in a bed near some PILLOWS. Talking dirty and all other kinds of wonderful expressions of your sexual freedom that you do on your own time is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE when you are actually in the moment of doing any of these things: literally having sex, phone sex, "sex"-ting, AIM sex, and any other kinds of sex that I can't think of, but would be most curious to learn about.  I mean WHEN did it become ok for guys to say the most heinous inappropriate things to a woman in person or over a text when we did not warrant ANY flirtation of that nature in the first place. Is this maybe because we call each other hoes and sluts all the time, and the men are taking that LITERALLY?! Apparently i didn't get the memo that women just love to be told dirty sexual things in person and be completely caught off guard. Let me please point out that it is NEVER ok for a guy to say overt, sexual things to a woman IN PERSON, over a text, on her FACEBOOK WALL, or in an inbox of any sort. No matter how much the girl is flirting and being all cute and touchy and maybe even a little sexy...you must remember to keep it at that. Subtlety is the key. The whole point of flirting is that we get totally into it because it's mysterious and we are constantly on our toes always guessing...does he like me? etc. But if the guy decides to put it out there and actually talk about licking or sucking ANYTHING all romance and mystery goes RIGHT out the window! There's no way to take back what you said.... we are left with just dirty words on repeat inside our head playing over and over. It really comes down to taking things one step too far. Being a tad bit TOO literal. You could be walking a very fine line... then BOOM you've said too much. These things are what I assumed were common knowledge but apparently not. To illustrate my point further let's do a few 'good idea / bad idea' scenarios, shall we?   Good idea: You look great tonight! --  Bad Idea: I just really want to suck on your titties. Good idea: It's cold out and I wish you were here to keep me warm --   Bad Idea: If you were here, I would be deep inside you.  See? Literal = not attractive, and borderline creepy actually.  

This got me thinking... in the '50's or something I could never picture a gentleman actually saying anything like that to a lady at some dinner party. I mean sure all of those guys were constantly harassing women at work, and I've heard the Rat Pack were a bunch of real dirty dogs... But i'm pretty sure they kept it subtle. Maybe someone like Don Draper or Roger Sterling would have said something like, "God I would love to see what you have going on under there..."  (and by the way both Jon Hamm and John Slattery are free to say whatever the hell they want to me.... none of the above applies to either of those GORGEOUS men)  But again, they would probably have the class and respect for a woman to maybe not go into such graphic details whilst flirting. 

The moral of the story my friends is that you should very RARELY say anything too graphic and disgusting about a woman's body and what you want to do with it,  but if you do decide to engage in some sort of flirtatious banter with a lady, remember, sweet little subtle conversations will work like a charm.  And I like to talk dirty as much as the next girl, but let's keep it between the sheets, near some pillows. 

Exes CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be friends.

If anyone ever tells you different they're lying to you. I mean, ok, I get it... MAYBE if things ended mutually- which i'm sorry when in god's name does that EVER happen, or I guess if it wasn't that much of a really "invested" relationship that maybe you could salvage some sort of "friendly" feelings towards the person. But really what's the point of struggling to feel a little bit of friendship-y feelings...frankly it sounds like a lot of work, AND if you weren't really that invested in the first place why would you want to waste your energy drumming up some fake friendship feelings for some guy you hardly had an interest in to begin with. Maybe that's just me. But if anyone has ever broken up with you (quite possibly the GREATEST feeling in the world) then I am going to strongly advise you (and myself over and over again in my head) that it is NEVER a good idea to hang out with your Ex. Old memories and old feelings start to come back to you (not to him) and you (meaning me) tend to get all dough-eyed and revert back to that dumb (ok, naive) 16 year old girl again. In my defense, I would like to point out that when you are THAT young it's kind of impossible not to get caught up in it all. Your heart is wide open, your guard is way WAY down and you don't think anything bad could ever happen to you. And i know maybe from this blog it's easy to think that i'm this bitter cold-hearted bitch (most of which is true) but really i was and still am a romantic, first and foremost. Sweep me off my feet with funny, witty banter and it's all over for me-- I melt. If there's even a glimpse of a spark i'm SOLD, and then it's all sort of a snowball effect...pretty soon I am picturing our lives together (the guy in his Kiss the Cook apron at the grill, me bringing him ice cold lemonade--pre made obviously-- and our two kids running around in sprinklers or some shit) This is what I go through EVERY TIME there's even a hint of something there. And i know, to my good friends, it may seem like this happens to me all the time, but really these feelings are a very rare occurrence. That allusive untouchable "thing" that is, in fact, chemistry or a spark is VERY few and far between. So when it happens I am squealing, jumping on my bed, ear to ear smile, just BEAMING. I always tell people (and by people, i mean my therapist) that i experience these really high highs and very low lows. Sure it keeps things interesting but there are a lot of emotions going on...it's actually quite exhausting. Sometimes i almost wish i was that girl that could just find someone simple and sweet who would love me endlessly. But i am just NOT that girl. At least not right now. Even though i know in my head what is right and what is wrong, what is safe and what is stupid, I keep repeating the same mistakes. I worry that i will go down the road my mother went through falling for some sarcastic asshole bullshitter before she finally settled down with the adoring, dependable guy who is now my good ol' dad.  

Speaking of sarcastic asshole bullshitters....let's get back to the subject at hand.... my Ex. This past Thanksgiving weekend which- let me tell you- was a real shit show around the Schwied house. My god, aren't families fucked up. I mean in the sense that EVERYONE'S family (mine probably on a whole 'nother level) is in one way or another REALLY dysfunctional. My mom used to say we put the 'fun' in dysfunctional. I almost think it's better and things get much easier when you can just admit that you are all totally out of your minds, that families are supposed to be crazy and insane. You can completely let your guard down and say exactly what you want to say. Even after all of that they STILL have to love and accept you. And surprisingly, THEY DO! i know that i'm kinda lucky in that sense.  But let's get serious, that's not to say there were not BUCKETS of tears (mostly mine) rude little snippy comments and loud fights every ten minutes. So yah, you understand my predicament. That (among other things) was why I decided it was time to get out of the house for a night. 

Cut to my good friend and I deciding to go out for a lovely little dinner. Champagne cocktails, mouth-watering appetizers...what could go wrong? Well, I'll tell ya.... your Ex showing up. That'll put a cherry on your sundae! The funny thing is it started out really great. (this is in my mind obviously, the tension at the actual table was palpable, and our friends were FOR SURE weirded out by the whole situation)  But back to things as they played out in my head.... He (who shall remain nameless) and I enjoying a fabulous trip down memory lane ... Him:  "remember that time in Amsterdam" Me: in reality " Oh yah, so fun"  (only the best time of my LIFE and something i will never get over, oh but then i came back weeks later only to find you had found someone else) Him : "remember when we got high in the sauna and went to go see that incredible comedy show, and we went and had the best dinner ever at Mr. Chows"  ME: "oh my god yes! Remember the shrimp?!! Yum! " (only a minor detail--but that night is what i now base all of my dates on, and nobody will ever meet those expectations because they probably weren't real and were in my head again as something incredible and special)   This continues for an uncomfortably long period of time. And by now I've had at least 5 cocktails, and I'm feeling like a million bucks!  I even get a bbm from my friend at the table, "how's rekindling the flame?"  ***He even at one point pulled out his phone and showed us all a text from an Ex of his that said something about how she "will never live up to, and will never be on par with Tanya."  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK FROM THIS!!!!!???? I mean come on, i'm a smart girl, I don't just put my feelings out there when i don't think that the feeling is mutual.  These thoughts start to come over me and lead me directly to the next chapter of this miserable tale. He asks me to go with him in his car to our next destination, another bar. We are driving, and talking, and he is explaining to me all of the things he is going to do.... the big plans he has..... and I'm overwhelmed with pride. I finally just blurt out the thing we are NEVER supposed to ask...... get ready for it..... you know what's coming.... i'm cringing even writing this.... "Why didn't things work out between us? What was it that I did?"  Yup. me of allllll people said this pathetic, embarrassing thing that everyone tells you never to say. But the crowning jewel of the entire evening was what happened next..... He said, and I quote...."Tanya, you are like a really good cheeseburger from In-N-Out. You're great, and delicious, but I just got sick of having cheeseburgers everyday"   That's right ladies and gentleman!!!!! hence, the photo. And the really sad thing is, now i never want to eat another cheeseburger for the rest of my life. And I LOVE cheeseburgers. Damn you, Ex of mine, for ruining yet another good thing in my life...In-N-Out. Bastard. It's one thing to permanently mess me up in my head, or give me false hope sometimes, or make me jaded for the rest of my existence, but it is QUITE another to start messing with my love of fast food and cheeseburgers. But hey, maybe he can just compare me to a big bag of potato chips, or a pint of ben and jerry's then I'll be the skinniest bitch this side of West Hollywood's ever seen! 

Now I don't want you leaving after reading this post thinking I'm even more bitter and depressed now (which i'm sure that's what it looks like from the above post) but the truth is I was glad to hear it put in such a brutally honest way. I was too much of a good thing. He couldn't handle a strong, confident, funny, caring, loving, supportive woman at his side. And ya know what? I loved every minute of our time together, but I want someone else. Someone who is going to WANT to have cheeseburgers everyday, and never get sick of a good thing, someone who will always and forever cherish the cheeseburger, love the cheeseburger whole heartedly. And I know he's out there, somewhere. I just know it. 

the little pleasures in life....

For my next topic/chapter/post/what have you, i am bravely taking on the subject of vibrators. That's right I said it. Let's break the silence people! Put down your armor of judgement and really open yourself up (literally) to the possibility of something OUT of of your comfort zone and IN or around your bikini zone. Good god, I'm laughing and embarrassed right now for even writing that (and i'm about as open as they come--NOT literally, but figuratively, in the sense that I have no shame and can talk freely about anything) But what IS it about this particular topic that is so taboo? So unheard of! Shameful even! What is all the mystery surrounding girls and masturbating and the toys we use. What's wrong with everyone talking about it? I mean OBVIOUSLY not everyone...i certainly don't intend to send this particular post to my father... definitely my therapist...but not my father. My goal is that this influences ONE girl out there to convert and start using it and LOVING it. By "it" I am referring to.... duh duh duh DUH (trumpet sounds) The Pocket Rocket. Now I know some people may prefer The Rabbit (and I've never tried that to be honest) but it's huge and awkward looking and just seems like such a daunting piece of machinery to bring into my bed. I prefer a tiny dainty pink feminine-looking toy that is quiet and gets straight to the point!  I've had my very own pink piece of heaven for a loooonnnnnggg time. That little pocket of joy has been with me through ups and downs, the good the bad, and no.. a vibrator can't bring me flowers on valentine's day, or sing me happy birthday but I promise you.... after just one time flowers will be the LAST thing on your mind ladies, TRUST ME, and you'll be singing and screaming and SNAPPING happy birthday to your goddamn self, and you won't even care who knows it! whew, is it hot in here? 

This whole subject was brought up during my recent visit to that big beautiful city of New York. My mother's childhood best friend lives there and I was meeting her for lunch to catch up and gossip, etc.  Inevitably, the subject of sex was brought up...by me of course, and she hesitantly whispered that it had been quite some time since she had sex...a VERY long time actually. And as we were sitting there...two ladies lunching...at a very fancy, quiet little restaurant..... i casually asked, "well you masturbate right?" (i would say my tone was in the same vein as if i said something like "well you do breathe in and out, right?"  She looks over at me, horrified. And I'm genuinely curious, looking over at her, and COMPLETELY serious. The shock eventually left her face and she said under her breath, "well no, it takes too much time"  And my girlfriends and I (the next day over brunch) all said the same thing.... 1) YOU MAKE TIME! 2) you mean to tell me you don't have ONE sunday afternoon where you could tell your roommate you're exhausted and need a "nap" (i may or may not do this every sunday) and 3) YOU MAKE TIME!!!  But when i picked and prodded a little further into this poor woman's sex life (or lack of) I said...you do have a VIBRATOR, don't you? And when she said, "oh god no I've never used one before." Now it was my turn to look horrified and shocked. I was stunned. Mouth agape. I almost choked on my glass of chardonnay (it was a late lunch, I was on vacation, give me a break) Now, I should point out that I have nothing against the women out there who masturbate and don't use vibrators, I mean even though I think the last time I did that was when I was 11. But, hey, if you can do it and enjoy it GO FOR IT! Just not my style, I'm more of an on-the-go kinda gal with an agenda....getting off.  And yes, that may sound crude, and I'm trying to make this more of a beautiful, God-intended-kind of- thing.... so here is a little quote I found on the back of one of my many perfume bottles (fittingly named Falling in Love by Philosophy) (yah i know.... i even went through a phase of "maybe if i wear a perfume called falling in love I will secret the men to come flocking over to me") (yah there was no flock, but the perfume smells amazing!)  ANYWAYS, i digress....The quote on the back of the bottle reads, "Falling in love with others begins with falling in love with ourselves" (blech! i know gag me) but here is the good part..."Loving ourselves is healthy. Learn to deeply and fully cherish your heart, your soul, and your BODY. And only then will you understand what it is to truly love another." SEEEEEEEEEE loving yourself, and your body and masturbating and getting yourself off (especially with a vibrator) is PERFECTLY healthy and good for you, and will probably even help you in your search to find a man!!!  I know for a FACT it instantly puts me in a better mood... I'm giggly and happy and giddy as a schoolgirl.  Not to mention there's also this entirely separate issue of how the act of masturbating actually helps you figure out what does the trick for YOU, specifically. Each woman is obviously very different and likes different things, and in order for us to go out and get those things we have to know what it is we're looking for. Essentially, we have to buy the right equipment before we go camping. I've never been camping so that's a bad example....um.... you need the right forever21 dress before you go out to the club... the right vodka to make a martini, etc. 

Needless to say, I went STRAIGHT over to Ricky's (a glorious, all-encompassing sex toy and beauty product all in one store- my mecca) to buy my mom's friend a vibrator. As I was searching the aisle with my friend to find the Original Pocket Rocket, she turned to me and said, "when i'm old and not getting any, I hope I have a young hip girl in my life who will buy me a vibrator." And as we walked out of the store the gay and fabulous beautiful black man at the cashier turned to me and snapped and said, "Me too, hunny" 

So please readers.... Explore, have fun, see what you like, enjoy earth shattering orgasms MY GOD! This should not be a task, I should not have to tell you twice. You should be getting the keys to your car and walking out the door to purchase a vibrator RIGHT NOW, you don't even have to time to finish reading this post. In fact, I'm gonna stop writing myself. If I wasn't at work I would be running home right this very minute.  Hey, with my vibrator, I could even make it happen on my lunch break.  Yah I said it! Sue me....

Spanx

First of all if you do not own a pair, if you've never tried them on, or if you've never had a need to wear them for an event or even just a night out then A) you will have NO idea what i'm talking about, but i hope you enjoy the read anyway and B) you are probably a skinny bitch that has never had to actually wear them, kudos to you!  

this is not even really a post at all...more of just a comment, but one that i want to have in writing somewhere in my life. I just want to say that if it wasn't so horrific I would most DEFINITELY have a video of me putting on my spanx. Literally im like one of those little car hula girls that someone has pulled WAAAAAY back and then they let go and i just BOLT forward and backward about 8,000 times before they are on correctly. It really is a work out in itself just to put them on... maybe it's the workout before that actually makes you look ten pounds lighter and not the unbreathable fabric that cuts off your circulation.

And another thing .... is it just me or do they need to reform and update their styles and make ones for JUST the midsection area...must the legs of the spanx go ALL the way down to my knees? i mean if i decide to cross my legs, i don't need the legs creeping out when i wear my slutty dresses, ok? i would like to at least give the ILLUSION that, yes, i am in fact JUST THAT toned and slender. but i can't DO that when there is even the slightest trace of hosiery in sight for all to see! use your heads oh wise makers of the spanx...create a thong style spank or a booty/boy short spank perhaps. Keep in mind that many of your clientele are probably curvy women with low self esteem so they wear sluttier clothes. Do you see how these things correlate?  

Lastly, there's the subject of that little hole in the crotch for bathroom use and all other uses (whatever they may be-use your imagination) Commmmmme onnnnnnnn people, I SERIOUSLY think that if we are in the heat of the moment chances are we’re gonna just rip the damn things all the way off. We would not want ANYONE, especially a hot guy, learning that we are not really that toned until we are in sufficient dark lighting. And when it comes to the bathroom--which is what those holes were actually meant for anyways...we have time. i think we would allll agree that the sanitary thing to do is just remove them completely. I really don't think I even need to go into details of the many mishaps that can (and did) occur whilst trying to pee through a tiny hole. Disaster.

In conclusion spanx ladies, really good work so far, but I’m starting to feel like Al Gore in the quest for a healthy environment here. Let’s make it happen in my generation please? Thanks. 

The Do's and Don'ts of Sports Bars....

ok so as i am perfecting (very slowly) this whole "woman in the field" theme for some of my posts, I am realizing, that I actually have no idea what I'm doing. But I think this is way better for me (and you, the reader) because I am sort of like a trial and error. Mostly error. I will let you know all of the things that you SHOULD NOT do. And occasionally there will be some pearl of wisdom that I learned on my way, that I will gladly pass on to you--or if it's really good I'm keeping it to myself. Sorry girls, it's rough out there.  Armed with a pad of paper, a pen, my optimism, and that was about it...I was ready to take on the burning mystery of this illusive "sports bar" and see what all the fuss is about. But first, let me preface that I needed some initial Do's and Don'ts for girls/sports/guys/bars in general before I went on location.  Like the dedicated journalist/writer that I am I had no fear, no inhibitions! I stormed the halls of my office building asking every eligible bachelor i could find what they would love to see a girl do, and things that would really piss them off. Here are just a few...

DO

-get really into the game. 

**An occasional holler or Yah! or Yes good call! Or a WOO!  all are acceptable language and sounds to make at a bar.  CAUTION-know what you're talking about before fully committing. Results could turn disastrous if you are not knowledgeable of the game or team or even the sport in general. IE: stay away from "Touchdown" at a basketball game, etc. This does not seem too hard, but you would be surprised...my girlfriend Terri leaned over to me (when we were in front of a table of really hot guys) and whispered oh good it's the last period..ya know the 3rd period. And yes, terri, that would have been fine if we were watching HOCKEY!!! But in basketball there are QUARTERS, so yahh, we have 4 quarters. Like a DOLLAR! it's easy. ahh, bless her heart :) 

-order beer and wings. 

**This can prove difficult ladies, as most of us are used to getting drunk as quickly as humanly possible ( maybe that's just me)  But remember this is a good thing, you can have a slight buzz whilst at a sporting function --especially a sports bar, but you do NOT want to be tanked. Being "that girl" is never a good thing, and will only lead to further troubles (trust me, i mean, so i've heard) As Cher (Cher clueless not Cher moonstruck) once famously said, "It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties but it is QUITE another to be fried all day." Do you see the distinction? You can have a couple of beers and look like a girl who is into sports and fun and easy going, or you can be a girly girl with a mai tai and an umbrella in your drink (translation high maintenance)  Or you can be the one exception to the rule...once again Terri hits it out of the park as she asks me if she can order a salad and wine. I say no, but true to form, this girl let's nothing and no one tell her what she can and can't drink. She will always and forever drink red wine. And we love her for it. But I must say that she DID eat the wings, so it evened out the playing field, so to speak (do you like what i did there, a little sports metaphor)

-look nice, cute and sporty. Jeans, converse, maybe even a jersey if you're feeling creative! 

**This look is surprisingly hard to perfect. We are all used to wearing slutty clothes when going out at night (again, maybe just me) but when we have to be "casual cute" problems arise and stress is had by all. Try to think daytime wear. Less make-up, hair down, sweet little cute tops. Things that scream, "i'm marriage material" not "i'm lonely"  Guys want to go to bed with Marilyn, but they want to wake up to and eventually marry Doris. I say be a little of both. I always like to show off my boobs (as they are perky and huge and i'm proud of them goddammit) and my legs (which i got from my mama) But remember it is always important to remain wholesome, not whorish.  

-actually look interested in the game

** Even if you are not, guys can see that you are willing to open up your mind to different possibilities, you can compromise---in the future...you could watch the game if he goes with you to Crate and Barrel to pick out china, etc. I don't even know if that's what guys do for girls or if that's a place where one even purchases china but you get what i'm saying. Then, when the game is over and everyone is happy and loud this is a PERFECT time to start looking around the joint, make eye contact and eventually walk over to someone and let the flirting begin! Try to remember key points from the game that you can reference, "that steal in the second quarter, can you believe that"  "what a pass" " such teamwork"  etc. Pretty soon you'll be planning what appetizers to make (or for me, purchase) for your husband's super bowl party. 

DONT'S

-talk to a guy during an important play. 

**it is essential that you do NOT do this, and you do not get in someone's line of vision to block them from seeing a crucial play. Also, never act like you know what you're talking about if you don't. Spouting out false information and lies will only make them annoyed and eventually they see right through you, sniff you out, and reveal who you really are.... Someone who watches Gilmore Girls and eats a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting. 

-smoke cigarettes

**it's always important to remember that cigarettes are not only bad for you, but a total turn-off to a non-smoker. It also limits your options of guys. Sure it's fun to have one or two (or a pack) when you're out or if you get hot in places and need some air (yah, probably for sure, just me) but hold off for one night. You will be happy you did, and double your shot at love!! or just double your shot glass.

To sum up my night it really wasn't as tragic as I thought it would be. It was actually FUN! the energy and the testosterone alone is worth getting out of your pjs and slapping on some lip gloss. The guys are pumped, you have great odds (i mean the ratio of girls to guys alone is totally in our favor) and it's ALWAYS fun to catch up with a friend who makes you laugh, makes you think, and makes you happy. All in all, two thumbs waaaay up for sports bars. 

i don't trust skinny girls

the conversation went something like this between my roommate and myself....

Me: I think my next blog entry will be titled 'i don't trust skinny girls'  you know...those girls who are naturally skinny and can eat whatever they want and never have to exercise...what else is there in life to worry about? how are you spending your free time? what do you talk about with your girlfriends? there would be no reason to complain. my only reasoning for EVERYTHING that i'm not doing is, "if i only lost 50 lbs"...if skinny girls don't have anything to hold them back, they are up to no good. Doing some sneeky things i bet. 

Her: Yah, plotting world domination. 

Me: YES! exactly. they cannot be trusted! 

Her: Ok yah that's good, but instead of writing about it, and complaining, why don't we go to the farmer's market and walk around, so that you are actually DOING something. And then you can write about it, and add in the part about skinny girls. 

Me: Dammit, you're right. GET DRESSED WE'RE GOIN' OUT!!!!!!! 

Now, a little background for my readers, i am in NO WAY a foodie or a cook or anything. if it has bread and cheese chances are i love it, oooh and i do know that those two things go very well with red wine--yahhhh, that's about all the knowledge i have on food.  BUT i do know all the good places to meet BOYS! **important note, i KNOW all these places, never have i actually had any of them actually WORK!  But i am on a kick to stay optimistic. Sooooo, in addition to my rants and complaints i FULLY intend to take one day out of my week to go to all the places that Cosmo magazine and Ryan Seacrest tell you to go to in LA to meet guys. And i will give you a full accurate account of what to expect.... not some sugar coated lies brought to you by some gorgeous editor of Vogue with an unlimited expense account, etc.  Hence, here we go..... the farmer's market in Hollywood!!!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!!! See?? happy, excited, hopeful :)

of COURSE it has to be hot out. It's the END OF OCTOBER and it's 86 degrees. PERFECT weather for me (who never has a sweaty face) to be walking around carrying pumpkins and corn, and other heavy things. Literally my roommate (ok, who am i kidding, meghann) and I are walking down the aisles of the outdoor festive little market, and inside I can hear my mom's voice crystal clear....STOP LOOKING AT THE FOOD TANYA! Keep your eyes up and ahead and look for your man. PLUS it was sunny as hell out and I, of course, did not have sunglasses so I'm SQUINTING! Which my mother always told me NEVER to do...she used to say..."It makes you look closed off and unhappy"  So i'm trying to not squint, not sweat (which is hopeless) and not look at the food (again, pretty much hopeless)  But alas, I manage to keep my eyes open.... SPOTTED! one cute guy! And he's actually looking at ME? It is only when I get closer that I realize he's just looking for signatures to legalize marijuana. GREAT!  After I most definitely signed it, i was starting to get discouraged.  Maybe it's because my hands are filled with food! And I'm not open to the possibility of filling my arms with a man (oh come on, i can still believe in secreting stuff and all of the feng shui bullshit) QUICK! i hand over my bags to our friend patrick who had just met us for lunch. Nope, still nothing. And still sweating. **If anyone is reading this godforsaken (just googled the spelling of this, because it does NOT look right but it is) blog and you are the owner of a fantastic beauty line that makes sweat absorbing powder or something, i would be happy to try free samples of your product and endorse it. Anyone? Yah, it's probably just me and my 12 followers (who i love dearly) Anyways...moving forward. 

OOh spotted Jason Alexander. Nope, not helping. 

Now I am on my second strawberry lemonade (wishing it was filled with vodka) and I'm really trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong!!! optimism fading.... Then i totally have an AHA! moment, just like Oprah. I am honestly and truly having such a fun day. I didn't need a cute guy to make my day fun, in fact it would have probably been more stressful and lead to more sweating. In all of my rush to find guys I failed to notice everything good about this place.  It's the BEST place to just people watch--crazies and families alike. We managed to get the last two LIVE crabs from this guy who was featured in LA magazine and we got his blessing to boil them :)  This sweet lovely woman at the cheese stand (yes, of COURSE i got cheese) gave us about a million samples of delicious cheese before finally choosing our favorites. There was this one guy who introduced me to my first beet dipped in lemon juice and paprika, and this awesome girl told me that the lemon actually brings out the sweetness in the beets! Everyone was so friendly and happy to share all of their fun foodie facts. OHHHH god there were these olives that I could have had SEX with. The sweet white corn was devoured by me and matt and meghann in about 2 seconds flat (ok, actually it was just me that devoured it so quickly, which matt had NO problem pointing out)  AND that strawberry lemonade was literally worth fighting wars over. 

Just to wrap up my day at the farmer's market, I have this one thing to say. Go! it is so much fun, such good cheap food, and really isn't it the possibility of what COULD happen that makes it all worth while? Here's hoping... (always with optimism) 

That's right it's wednesday!!!!!!

time for me to vent! i hate it when wednesday arrives at a PERFECT time because duh duh duh duh...... i'm still sick!!!! this only makes me more irritable and crabby than i already am in regular life. so i do apologize in advance for the things I'm about to say...

-I hate it when you have to go to the pharmacy. What should be a simple pick-up is never quite so simple for me. Maybe because I go to a large corporate CVS as opposed to a smaller mom and pop shop but come on...this is LA... CVS needs to just get their shit together. ok, to be fair, it's not so much the pharmacy as it is my pharmacy guy....Soon or Yi or something.  Ny! that's his name Ny! It's like his parents knew he would be worthless so they didn't even bother finishing his name!  Literally, this guy is so slow and special when it comes to the most SIMPLE instructions. It's like the two dumbest kids in your high school had a baby at the age of 16--so the baby is extra dumb and extra slow because his parents' brains weren't even fully developed yet and what they did already have was just pure dumbness!!! UGHH! it didn't help that I was finding it hard to keep my head up for more than 2 minutes at a time, but the fact that I went to all the trouble of having my doctor call in the prescription BEFOREHAND to eliminate all frustrations that i foresaw happening at my goddam pharmacy really pissed me off. When I got there our good friend Ny had trouble finding my prescription because the doctor apparently spelled my name Tania, not Tanya. i know REAL TOUGH stuff to figure out. Also, another perfect moment to add to my perfect life was the fact that I saw a really cute guy I hadn't seen in awhile, and i'm puffy and sniffling with no bra, granny panties, havn't showered in 4 days, and just all around disgusting. Which he had no problem pointing out when I said I'm sick, and he said 'yah me too...but you look much worse.' GREAT! THANK YOU! if Ny hadn't taken his sweet ass time trying to figure out the brain puzzler name game, this whole situation would never have happened!!! 

i need to find another pharmacy. 

-i hate it when people are at their jobs and they complain...TO YOU!  like yesterday when i went to go see the doctor, the nurse practitioner guy came in to do my check-up before I saw the actual doctor. And while he was taking my blood pressure he turns and looks at me and says, "you know Tanya, I am tired." okaaaayy, i mean what am i supposed to say to that??!!!! i am sick and weak and I need you to comfort ME and tell me it's going to be alright. he then goes on to say, AGAIN, "man, I am just so tired. It's been one of those days." yesssss Jorge I'm sure it has, but I would appreciate it if you could stay alert and awake while I'm telling you my symptoms, and especially when you are doing important procedures like BLOOD PRESSURE and taking my TEMPERATURE!!!!  sorry the baby your girlfriend decided to have has been keeping you up late and your night school classes at ITT Tech are exhausting you, but I really don't care at this point. i just need a check up!!! 

- i hate it when people COMPLAIN. PERIOD. so i'm finished complaining (for today at least) and I'm going to try to keep my next post a little more upbeat than you're used to reading and I'm used to writing. the funny thing is i really used to be this happy peppy person and i still am in my heart and all day around the people i love, but we all know how exhausting that can be so if i can't vent on my blog where can i vent? ok, maybe therapy, but i mean in writing..ok maybe a diary. but you know what? i like to write this stuff and i like people to read it, so there!!!  but i do need to spice things up a little with some happy uplifting meaningful stories or some shit. yah, i'll work on that. 

To Have or Not To Have

As i sit here on my couch sicker than a dog (and definitely hopped up on all kinds of sudafed, nyquil, and excedrin--probably NONE of which should be mixed) in my weakest and most vulnerable state I can't help but think, "god i wish i had a boyfriend." Also, rainy days do it for me too. ok, who am i kidding...i pretty much ALWAYS want a boyfriend. and for those of you reading this thinking, "oh poor thing, doesn't she know that it will happen when she least expects it?" or "she has to truly love herself before she can love another" yah you can allllll just FUCK OFF. nothing i havn't heard before, and of course i get it, i'm not an idiot. i know all of this in my head, but tell it to my heart! it won't let up, and it never has.  ask anyone who knew me, ever since i can remember, i wanted my first kiss and i wanted a boyfriend. So, in order to make myself feel better about my single girl status i'm going to make a list of the Pro's and Con's that come with having a boyfriend. 

PRO'S 

-if i had a boyfriend he would make me soup if i was sick (like in this case right now, where i literally want to KILL myself, sitting on my couch miserable, of course sweating, and watching terms of endearment)  

-a boyfriend takes you out to really nice steak dinners (it's not like single girls couldn't go out for steak, but we never do. and maybe because it's hard to justify a $50 meal, and when you're single you would rather spend that money on spanx or a slutty little dress so that you can eventually find a boyfriend that will probably buy you a nice steak dinner) 

-a boyfriend buys you flowers, chocolate, and jewelry. and sorry ladies, but if any of you try to tell me "buy yourself some flowers or chocolates" i'm going to have to shoot you in the face, because i HAVE bought myself flowers (on SEVERAL separate occasions) and it's just not the same. let's cut the shit, it's actually kinda pathetic. i mean i'll still do it but yah....pathetic. 

-a boyfriend takes you on trips! trips are the BEST with a boyfriend. and as fun as it would be to go on a trip with your single girlfriends it NEVER HAPPENS. sure you talk about it, and even come close to planning the trip but it's just too hard to get everyone together at the same time, and convince everyone to take off work and spend that kind of money. *plus, with a boyfriend sex is a guarantee :) 

- NO MORE BAD DATES!!!! enough said. 

-when you have a boyfriend other guys actually find you MORE attractive because you are unattainable. FACT ladies and gays, FACT. 

-lastly, having a boyfriend gives you that "i'm in love glow" (although we can chalk that up to a con, because you can get that same glow with a facial or a vibrator) TRUST! 

CONS (my favorite part)

-no more first kisses.  COME ON!!!!! first kisses are the BEST.

-no more butterflies waiting for him to call (although this could be a pro, considering they NEVER CALL) 

-no more one night stands (we can all do without these. I should know. let's be honest here, i think in my lifetime i've maybe had a handful of really hot and really worth it one-nighters. most of the time you just feel bad about yourself, and get up and out of there early enough to reward yourself with McDonald's breakfast) 

-your single girlfriends will hate you (ok, hate is a strong word, but they will be jealous and bitter that you now spend all your free time with your new boyfriend and not them. also, 95% of a single girl's conversation is about boys and being single-none of which you can relate to anymore. and if you try to relate, they actually get more angry with you, because you can't understand-you now have a boyfriend!) 

-for the first few months that you have a boyfriend, you pretty much have to hide all of your flaws and imperfections and basically be "on" for the entire time you're with him. this can be exhausting. 

-you can't have the bed all to yourself anymore. this is a big one for me, because i LOVE my side of the bed. i mean i SPRAWL out, legs everywhere, arms all over. i use four pillows at a time.

-if i had a boyfriend 'sex and the city' and all of those girly movies or books just wouldn't be the same anymore. Joni mitchell and alanis morisette wouldn't speak to me the way they do now. 

so yah, let's face it, life is probably better with a boyfriend. dammit. but that's ok, because i am willing to see the good in my situation for now, and enjoy all of the things that i can do as a single girl. But secretly i do hope that someday i find a man who i would be happy to share my side of the bed with :) 

Dating in the Not So Dark

By now I'm sure we are alllll aware (even though i'm ashamed to admit) that I was on a reality dating show. Yup, that's right LAUGH it up...get it all out before we continue. for those skeptics out there thinking i did this to "further my career" are SORELY wrong --if anything it stopped it dead in it's tracks and murdered the shit out of it...not that there was anything there to begin with. BUT to my credit I really did it for the right reasons...i was hoping to find love. I mean i was just checking my email one day and there's this anonymous message (spam and mass mail i'm sure) with the title LOOKING FOR LOVE? (yes, how did they KNOW!) and inside the message were big bold questions... are you single? (Yes) do you live in LA (YES!) are you between the ages of 20-27 (Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!) I love how those are the qualifications---yahh that really narrows it down. The only reason I was even on the show was probably the fact that i was one of five girls who actually applied to this fucking miserable excuse for a show. In my defense I really was thinking oooohhhh ABC, wow, bachelor guys with good looks and charm and money. yahhhh that wasn't so much the case. and by so much i mean NOT AT ALL.

Behind door number one....it's Dion! (yup dion) a loud talker, obnoxious, arrogant (and not the sexy arrogant) "Hi, im dion and i drive a lexus" kind of guy. Malek (yes malek) a sweet guy who barely speaks english and is kind of shy and quiet. And Leo (again, yes, Leo) a nebbish little jew who didn't have the wit or humor of woody allen for it to be even remotely cute. THESE ARE MY OPTIONS PEOPLE! and trust me, I'm not saying i'm some prize but really? come on...

Cut to after the show aired (because honestly I could not even tell you what happened on the show because I had to be black-out intoxicated before I even considered watching it with my girlfriends) **but i was told there were some memorable gems that I can take away from this. The first phone message I received was from a friend in NYC (because he had the fortune of seeing it three hours before me) his message went something like this.."oh my god so funny im dying i cant believe you're on this show, waaait is that your tag? are you wearing your dress backwards??" PANIC. sadness. REGRET. horror. embarrassment. Also, I received several messages on my facebook quoting my one memorable line (which I agree is pretty fucking awesome) After finding condoms in a young man's car cup holders I proceed to say, "I mean I don't have condoms in my cup holders, but i like to have a good time"

Now we move on to the saddest part of my entire experience...being the idiot that I am, and my boredom at work, led me to 'surf the web' as they say looking up blogs and things all about my episode of Dating in the Dark. There were two. And one was a link that brought me to an interview that the host of the show was doing on some boot-leg, busted, below d-level red carpet event. Here is what the host had to say.... literally i am quoting feel free to look at the clip on you tube (i tried to post the link but it's temporarily down, just type"Rossi Moreale talks about Dating in the Dark) It starts up around the 1:27 mark. When the reporter asked him what the biggest shock was from the past season? He had this to say, begin quote... "When the bigger red head girl turned down Malek. She was bigger than what he was used to dating. He was the better looking one. It was interesting to see that even the 'not so attractive' girl still turned this guy down." END QUOTE.

"BIGGER red head girl" "Not as attractive girl" "Not the better looking one." These are just a few of the words used to describe me. AWESOME!! WHO WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES??!! I DO!! thank god i have enough confidence to get through that ordeal and realize yes, i may be "bigger" than that scrawny little pipsqueek of an italian...but i like to drink and eat and play and laugh and if that makes me lose out on such "winners" like Malek--- so be it. Hey, i've always got jack, jose, the captain, and jim beam to keep me warm at night.

i hate it when wednesdays....

taking a cue from Big Boy in the morning on Power 106 (since I'm literally almost as big as he was, BEFORE he had his gastric bypass surgery)  I'm going to take this opportunity to bitch and complain about the things that people do that i hate ...

i hate it when that one guy at the Bank of America on Sunset and Vine always walks up to me EVERY wednesday when i go to deposit my check and asks me if i would like to use the ATM to make my deposit today. And EVERY wednesday I tell him, "no thank you."  Finally after the 5th time he approached me I screamed and threw up my hands saying "NO!!!  I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO A PERSON!!!!! yah he doesn't bother me anymore. 

i hate it when people snuggle and cuddle and kiss with their boyfriends in FRONT of you!!!! i'm sure this stems from my bitterness but even when i did have a boyfriend (eons ago when man first invented fire) i still was severely grossed out by PDA. it's beyond nauseating, and really makes for an awkward night out, or night in. No matter how cool you are or how hard you try to keep the conversation going smoothly you can't help but feel like the 3rd wheel. Honestly this is the WORST! ok no, the worst is when a guy talks like a baby to his girlfriend in front of you. THAT is the worst!  keep it behind closed doors people! 

i hate it when people write on their facebook status updates... "Tanya Schwied- is grateful"   it's like, THANKS! we get it. it's fantastic that you are grateful for your fabulous life, but some of us just had our cars break down for the third time this week, and we had to walk to the side of the freeway in the rain as people are rolling down their windows screaming "dumb bitch"  at you, and some of us had to look at our bank statements only to find out that we had overcharge fees for a $160 meal at a sushi place called Sumo Japanese in BURBANK, when our debit card was in our wallet the whole time!!!!  i do not need to hear that you are grateful for your life AT ALL at this point.  they have yoga classes and churches for that kind of thing. 

i hate it when people say "ohhh... you look tired."  I mean you might as well just say I look ugly! and thanks, maybe i am tired but I DO have a mirror and chances are I AM aware of how i look, and if it ain't good PROBABLY JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! 

 

i have a MAJOR face sweating problem

so the other night i was walking with some girlfriends from their apartment to a bar (maybe a total of three blocks) and whenever i get nervous, or i have my first drink of the night, or i exert the ever so smallest amount of energy-- my face just goes on extreme overload and i start pouring sweat ...DRI-PPING beads of sweat! ***this is a MAJOR problem for me considering that i spend a good portion of my life getting nervous and/or drinking (not so much the exerting of the energy but you catch my drift...) 

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING! i really wish i was, but you can ask anyone who knows me...it's bad! i remember i was getting ready to go on a first date with this guy and I was so nervous and my mom and her friends were all gathered around the kitchen table while i had one woman holding a bag of peas on the back of my neck, a bag of frozen berries in between my legs, and i was standing in front of the freezer right up until he came to pick me up. 

people literally will approach me and say things like, "ohhh you are sweating really bad! "  "are you ok? what's wrong with you?" or my personal favorite, "why are you sweating?"   WHYYY am i sweating? oh, i don't know i just LOVE how half of my make-up runs down my face and i have to literally use an entire box of toilet seat covers to blot my face in the bathroom for half an hour before i'm able to even LOOK at another person, only to take a quick glance in the mirror and notice that i have pieces of napkin stuck to my face from when i was wiping it down earlier, and my FAVORITE thing is when i'm talking to a guy i kind of like and i am sweating, then thinking about my sweating which causes me to stress and sweat even more. It's right up there with smoking a cigarette and talking to a guy then blowing the smoke right in your eye, causing tears to well up making you look like the biggest dork for actually trying to look cool while smoking. But even that fiasco is WAY better then sweating...you can actually laugh with the guy about what a dork you are.  you CANNOT laugh about being a sweaty beast. NOT cute. 

i've tried everything!  I've purchased oil absorbent lotion that i apply daily, i have those portable oil blotting sheets, i've even come up with casual ways to swipe my hand across my sweaty face. you know ... i'm laughing and i just happen to put my hand to my forehead trying desperately to play a game of "mop up the sweat on your face tanya! you disgusting sweaty bitch!"  good god it is really putting a damper on things. maybe i'll get some of those shots that whitney houston had injected in her face to help with her sweating.  maybe. 

all we really want is to be kissed on the forehead

 i literally feel like carrie fucking bradshaw right now--  minus the incredible apartment, huge walk-in closet filled with manolos and gucci, the endless list of perfect boyfriends, best job in the world writing about SEX, and having semi-fame and credibilty in NYC)  ok so pretty much i just feel like her because I'm typing on a laptop with a concerned, questioning face. But, hey, a girl can pretend...

so these are just some of my thoughts on the whole 'single girl situation' 

We all want the same thing--that great guy with the perfect sense of humor, someone who is sensitive, cute, sweet, smart, and caring. but WHERE IS HE?? Where is my kiss on the forehead?  I am SKIN STARVED (copyright Ambir Sniezko, that sexy bitch)  and when i say i have been getting out there i mean it is literally like when the speaker asked charlotte (in sex and the city) if she is REALLY out there and carrie responds with, "no... SHE'S out there!" I mean that is me!!!! everyday stepping out of my apartment with an open heart and an open mind (even if that means settling, i mean i'm kidding, but not really) My mom always said be patient and be picky. But when does picky become limiting and closed off? It's funny because normally this would be the part in the episode where the main character finds the information out in a cute fun way with a new guy just swooping in and solving all of our heroine's troubles. Ok, well i'm ready to be swooped. SERIOUSLY go ahead and swoop! anytime now!  but until then i will just question and long for that kind of romance.  Pathetic. 

And one more thing, i'm sorry but that's never true when someone says "oh i'm perfectly happy alone, i've got an apt a great job, blah blah"   No you're not happy! I mean you might be ok, but it's like cake without the frosting, bacon with no eggs (ok that would still be good) or wine without CHEESE!!!!  Life is still good, but it would be great to share that with someone, ya know?  I hope one of these days I'm reading back over these blogs and I'm deliriously happy with my sexy stud husband, with my two little daughters running around me, while I'm clinking my glass shouting  "girls mommy needs more wine!"  Then i will look back reading these blogs LONGING for that single girl freedom, that chance to get up and go where i want when i want at the drop of a pin. So for now i guess all i can do is enjoy it. live it up while i can. sleep around. get drunk with my girlfriends. and splurge on things just for me (candles and perfume!)  

the lowest of the low

Conversation over BBM ....

Dani: Yah miserable, light headed, weight watchers blows! 

Tanya: I know!!!  I got really drunk on Saturday and normally I would have had McDonald's, but I'm trying to eat healthy so obviously I woke up with a MASSIVE hangover.  Woke up at 9:30 in the morning,  smoked a bowl, watched Chronicles of Narnia for 5 minutes, masturbated, and fell back asleep 'til 1pm. 

Tanya: pretty exciting and fulfilling life. 

Am I really doing this??

There have been far too many times that I said I would start my own blog. My personal favorite excuse is "I will start on Monday" (much like my diet). But today is the day that I am finally starting something and following through with it!  Wish I could say the same for the whole diet thing...but those of you who know me and those of you who don't will learn quickly that it is only a matter of time before I need a stiff drink (or 8) which will eventually lead me to the Jack in the Box drive thru where i will devour a cheeseburger (or 8) at 3AM. God i'm disgusting. 

This blog will basically be centered around my favorite thing... me! *but I PROMISE you it will be nothing like all of those ridiculously annoyingly 'refreshing 20-something girls' who have their shit together with their perfect boyfriend, perfect careers, perfect families, and their perfect bodies. Yup, it's definitely safe to say I have NONE of the above. Hooray! Oh yah, that's the other thing...a big portion of this whole blog thing will be me bitching and complaining (my sister thought the title of the blog should be 'bitchin' in the kitchen' --because i bitch and eat--yah i know REAL supportive) but I actually want to put a funny spin on things and make all of you laugh at how bad things can get but remember to put it all in perspective and laugh at yourself (or just laugh at me) because life is short and you've got to live it up while you can.  I dedicate this blog to my mom who always said fun was her middle name. To fun!