it's all fun and games 'til someone says "i'll call you RIGHT back"

are you an actor? or maybe a musician? oooh or a stand-up comic? Do you live in LA? or NY for that matter? are you a narcisist? do you enjoy hearing yourself spout out useless information about atheism or recycling? chances are i've already met you, we've probably fucked, maybe we dated briefly, and you most definitely never called me back. i had an epiphany (while watching eat, pray, love of all goddamn movies).... julia roberts looks at this hot guy on the beach (after drinking copious amounts of tequila) he takes his shirt off and wants her to go skinny dipping with him and inevitably fuck. She takes one look at him and says (i'm paraphrasing) "i've already dated you, I dated you 5 years ago and i dated you 5 months ago. i know how this ends." why is it we bang our heads against the wall over and over expecting different results like a crazy person???!! i fall for the same cheesy dipshit fucktard lines EVERYTIME....and actually i start to realize after the relationship is over that they are, in fact, not even saying what i hear them say. People are who we want them to be. I'm constantly projecting some unattainable fantasy onto some poor sap.

For example, I was dating someone (who shall remain nameless...because i'm a classy gal) and of course it's those first few weeks when we can't help but get swept up in all of the rush and lust and fun....its almost like you're putting that person so close to your face that everything is blurry and its only when you step back and out of the hypnotic trance that you're in that you can actually focus and see all of their flaws and all the things that they really said and did to you.
anyways, we're literally going on maybe our second date and he turns to me and says.... "i think about you. i think about you smiling and laughing at some story i'm telling you." Now i was so delusional and wanted this guy to be the one and never have to date again...that i literally told myself (and all of my friends and everyone i had ever met) that this guy said he thinks about my smile when he thinks about me. OK...REALITY CHECK!!!!! of course (only now that it's ended) am i able to comprehend what this guy was really saying to me ... when he thinks of me he thinks about HIMSELF telling me a funny story and me laughing and smiling like i'm his biggest fan. So really when he's thinking of me, he's thinking about his own stories and jokes, and only my reaction to HIS shit. He made me a cd of HIS songs, we would watch HIS favorite tv show, i would go to HIS show, and HIS favorite restaurants. I even thought that he remotely cared about my love for writing this blog when he said we should write together!! after only hanging out one time he wanted me to come over and write with him--separate things--- my blog and his webisode or some shit. Anyone that knows me and this blog would know it's kind of a personal thing, and writing to me is MY time, my little sanctuary, my time to be completely selfish. So we are sitting on his couch just writing in silence. I rememeber thinking... if i could really write what i wanted to at that point, i would write how much of a fucking idiot i felt like...and how ridiculous and hilarious this situation is, and who the hell just writes on a date!!!!!!! i thought he suggested that for me and my love of writing....when really he said he focused better on HIS script with me there.

how did i let some man completely cause me to lose all sense of myself. he actually made me doubt my worth, my brilliance, my opinions, my bad taste in reality tv. I love reality tv. and i love bad top 40 hits. and i try to recycle but i dont always take those reusable bags with me to trader joes. and if you have a problem with that or you're trying to manipulatively shove your opinions down my throat you can go fuck yourself. because that's what it comes down to at the end of the day. all those guys are really fucking themselves...they want some dumb girl to mirror them and smile at them and never challenge them. that girl is NOT me. sara bareilles said it so eloquently..... I'M NOT DROWNING. there's no one here to save.


this is all kind of my rant and rave to remind all of you girls (and guys) out there to never let someone make you feel less than. To stand up for the dumb shit that matters to you. oh and one last little gem that i have to share is the way this whole thing ended..... apparently it's called the magic disappearing act (to quote my wise roommate) and this happens to women all over, everyday! a girl could be dating a guy for 3 weeks or 3 months and then just one day- out of the blue -they call you, only to say their other line is ringing and can they call you RIGHT back...... YUP! you guessed it!! you never hear from them again. Of course it's the mix of rejection, sadness, disappointment, embarassment that fuels my rage. but have the decency to end it like a man. Tell me you're not interested anymore and this has been fun, tell me you've met someone else or you're back with your ex. Just be honest.

The bright side? i'm jolted out of my delusional dream relationship and able to see that he was just not the right fit for me. to quote my mom, "not the lid that fits my pot." I'm grateful for the experience and for that temporary high that is so addictive it makes you do crazy things!! and i only hope to learn how to ground myself next time and see the person for who they really are, and most importantly if they like me for who i really am. he's out there. just gotta be patient.....back to the drawing board. stay tuned.....