I know what you're thinking... You're probably on the wrong website.... Maybe your html re-routed your server (or whatever "technical term" could go wrong trying to find my website, you know what I mean!) This can't possibly be the same girl that once regaled us of her wild sexual escapades. Sadly, it's true my loyal band of merry followers. I have been abstaining from sex for one full year. Was this a choice you might be asking yourself? That remains to be seen.....I go back and forth between thinking this has been a conscious decision versus something that just happened because I had a good run and now I'm just hung the fuck out to dry and going to be alone for the rest of my life. I think I've come to the conclusion that it has, in fact, been my choice. It's a choice every time I went out to a bar and flirted with some slob who I once used for company; a way of making me feel attractive, sexy, and not alone forever. Now the idea of that seems so foreign to me- it's like I can't unlearn what I've learned about myself. I've seen beyond the curtain, the wizard is just a man with smoke and mirrors. I want love, not sex. Intimacy over hot one night stands. a real conversation and closeness over witty banter at a bar. Even as I write this it sounds nuts. Would I commit an act of terrorism for a hot one night stand? Probably. But I do think that with enough time these things tend to run their course--'been there done that' comes to mind. I'm ready and deserving of more (shocking I know).
Plus, to make myself feel better I began a running list of all the things that I am oh so grateful for and that are fucking awesome about not having sex...
-No worrisome trips to the gyno (I've put off like 4 different appointments in the last year) because... why?
-I don't have to wax or shave. Literally I have waxed twice for the occasion of a wedding and a vacation-both were on my terms and for my eyes only. Also I didn't want to horrify my friends (I think we all know the heinous crime committed by Miranda in the SATC movie.... and she wondered WHY Steve cheated on her)
-Total domination of bed space. Imagine a giant human size starfish lying face down in the sand. You will then understand why I'm thoroughly enjoying this for as long as i can.
-No red rashes on my chin and cheeks from a beard or stubble. The gift of a flawless complexion can sometimes outweigh even the most arousing orgasms.
-Sleep.... long, delicious, uninterrupted sleep. We've all been there-- and with a strange new man in the bedroom we never actually get any.
-Temperature control. How lovely to keep my covers on or off. Not to be sandwiched in a sheet burrito of death unable to move or breathe.
-Menu options are limitless. Wanna make cinnamon rolls and a quesadilla for dinner? SURE! Coconut shrimp and Spanakopita? DON'T MIND IF I DO. You can even have a fucking steak and be sluggish as hell because the most movement you will be doing is picking your ass up off the couch to your glorious bed.
-Complete control of the remote. Mindless reality? Rapey crime dramas? Drag (queen) races? The possibilities are endless.
All in all I'd say I have it pretty good right now. So I'm taking my sweet ass time and choosing a real good one when the time comes around for me to dust off my boots and get back in the saddle. Here's hoping cowboys and girls!
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
Fuck you Olivia Wilde
That's right, I said it. You and your pregnant gym outings. Stop going to the gym. Take the lead from a few of my favorite pregnant pals, Jessica Simpson and Kate Hudson. THAT'S what pregnancy should look like. I need you to look like a whale, eat pickles and cheetos, and sit on your fat ass a little bit. Take a load off, enjoy those sweet moments of sleep and delicious food. Make the rest of us look good for once. But nooooo, not Olivia. She's too busy perfecting the hipster pregnant look. I can't even perfect the regular person hipster look! And for the record what was she even in? TRON??! The only good thing she ever did for us and her career was The Black Donnelly's, you're welcome if you haven't seen this gem. You may be wondering, Tanya, what brought on all this bitterness and rage?-- let me assure you it's coming from a good place.
A couple of months back my friend emailed me a Glamour article written by Miss Wilde, as much as I don't want to publicize this it's worth the short read and then it will be much more apparent why my blood started to boil... http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/2013/08/olivia-wilde-s-advice-for-turning-30
As I am rapidly approaching my own (shhh) 30th birthday ... (45 days to be exact) I am wildly aware that there are no hopeful voices, no true words of wisdom and advice from people like myself -the real folks, the ones in the thick of it...deep in the trenches of singledom. I don't need to hear that it's ok and "not to worry" if I'm not married with a kid by someone who is MARRIED AND HAVING A KID!!!!!!!! with jjjjjaaaaaaaaaason sudeakis no less. Not to mention her "terrible dating" years were with the likes of Bradley Cooper and Justin friggin Timberlake. Sounds rough. So much pressure you poor thing. You must have been under a great deal of pressure when you were married TO A PRINCE at the ripe old age of 19!!!!!!!!!! Is that how things work in "Holly-weird" (her stupid word not mine). Below are a few of my favorite words of wisdom from Buddha herself...
DON'T freak out about all the brilliant people who accomplished more than you by the time
they were 30....
Ok, first of all I wasn't even freaking out about it until you TOLD ME NOT TO FREAK OUT about it.
I wasn't even going to put myself in the same realm as geniuses, thank you very much. This is how her advice column STARTS!!? Why don't I just throw myself off a bridge and get it over with. Hell, I consider myself a frickin' success train because of the fact that I finally have a 401k. I'm not reaching for any stars or solving theories of rela-goddamn-tivity.
DO enjoy your sexual prime...
Riiiiiiight, would love to, but gonna need a partner at some point to help out with this. And now that I'm finally too old to have irrational one night stands and I want to "wait for the right guy" oh who am I kidding even just wait for the "guy that says we are actually dating" that means my sexual prime consists of masturbating and bubble baths. THANKS FOR THE HELPFUL HINT LIV!
DO travel...
Sure, good idea, I'll take the $25 that i put in my savings acct at the end of the month, that usually goes right back into my checking acct to cover rent and spring for a "last minute trip to Morocco just because you damn well feel like it"...ya know what else I damn well feel like doing? punching you in your beady-probably-not-even-real green EYES! Thanks for reminding me I still barely have enough credit line to buy a bathroom mat.
DON'T feel pressured to pop out kids...
"I love kids with a passion I normally reserve for hot cheese, miniature chairs and Prince concerts." Really?! Miniature chairs. No one likes miniature chairs!!! Is that some dumb hipster thing that I'm not hip to!? And don't even get me started on hot cheese? HOT CHEESE? Olivia, you deeply sadden me. Everyone knows that cheese is best served on a platter with crispy doughy bread and some prosciutto. And don't act like you eat cheese.
I like to think we are all doing exactly what we're supposed to be doing. Working, living, laughing, trying to make the most out of this life and having a little fun while doing it. All the rest just sort of falls into place. Sure there are always pressures, I was pressured to lose my virginity and have my first kiss-- and look at how well I did with that! Kids and marriage are in the bag, just holding out for a hero is all. As my mom always said, I just have to find the lid that fits my pot. And this is a dammmmn good pot. This is like William Sonoma shit, son.
So eat a cheeseburger Olivia, binge watch some Netflix, and gain about 60 pounds, then we can talk.
A couple of months back my friend emailed me a Glamour article written by Miss Wilde, as much as I don't want to publicize this it's worth the short read and then it will be much more apparent why my blood started to boil... http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/2013/08/olivia-wilde-s-advice-for-turning-30
As I am rapidly approaching my own (shhh) 30th birthday ... (45 days to be exact) I am wildly aware that there are no hopeful voices, no true words of wisdom and advice from people like myself -the real folks, the ones in the thick of it...deep in the trenches of singledom. I don't need to hear that it's ok and "not to worry" if I'm not married with a kid by someone who is MARRIED AND HAVING A KID!!!!!!!! with jjjjjaaaaaaaaaason sudeakis no less. Not to mention her "terrible dating" years were with the likes of Bradley Cooper and Justin friggin Timberlake. Sounds rough. So much pressure you poor thing. You must have been under a great deal of pressure when you were married TO A PRINCE at the ripe old age of 19!!!!!!!!!! Is that how things work in "Holly-weird" (her stupid word not mine). Below are a few of my favorite words of wisdom from Buddha herself...
DON'T freak out about all the brilliant people who accomplished more than you by the time
they were 30....
Ok, first of all I wasn't even freaking out about it until you TOLD ME NOT TO FREAK OUT about it.
I wasn't even going to put myself in the same realm as geniuses, thank you very much. This is how her advice column STARTS!!? Why don't I just throw myself off a bridge and get it over with. Hell, I consider myself a frickin' success train because of the fact that I finally have a 401k. I'm not reaching for any stars or solving theories of rela-goddamn-tivity.
DO enjoy your sexual prime...
Riiiiiiight, would love to, but gonna need a partner at some point to help out with this. And now that I'm finally too old to have irrational one night stands and I want to "wait for the right guy" oh who am I kidding even just wait for the "guy that says we are actually dating" that means my sexual prime consists of masturbating and bubble baths. THANKS FOR THE HELPFUL HINT LIV!
DO travel...
Sure, good idea, I'll take the $25 that i put in my savings acct at the end of the month, that usually goes right back into my checking acct to cover rent and spring for a "last minute trip to Morocco just because you damn well feel like it"...ya know what else I damn well feel like doing? punching you in your beady-probably-not-even-real green EYES! Thanks for reminding me I still barely have enough credit line to buy a bathroom mat.
DON'T feel pressured to pop out kids...
"I love kids with a passion I normally reserve for hot cheese, miniature chairs and Prince concerts." Really?! Miniature chairs. No one likes miniature chairs!!! Is that some dumb hipster thing that I'm not hip to!? And don't even get me started on hot cheese? HOT CHEESE? Olivia, you deeply sadden me. Everyone knows that cheese is best served on a platter with crispy doughy bread and some prosciutto. And don't act like you eat cheese.
I like to think we are all doing exactly what we're supposed to be doing. Working, living, laughing, trying to make the most out of this life and having a little fun while doing it. All the rest just sort of falls into place. Sure there are always pressures, I was pressured to lose my virginity and have my first kiss-- and look at how well I did with that! Kids and marriage are in the bag, just holding out for a hero is all. As my mom always said, I just have to find the lid that fits my pot. And this is a dammmmn good pot. This is like William Sonoma shit, son.
So eat a cheeseburger Olivia, binge watch some Netflix, and gain about 60 pounds, then we can talk.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
