match.com

ohhhh boyy. where do i EVEN begin???? be aware that this is just my experience with match.com i chose to share my horrific date experience because, really, where is the fun in reading about a good date. i hate hearing about someone having a great first date...it annoys me, and makes me upset and jealous and only reminds me of how shitty my dates have been in the past. its like someone telling me they got a series regular spot on NCIS: Los Angeles, or they are engaged, or they lost 20 pounds. all great things? yes. interesting for anyone else besides them? no. anything to do with me? again, no. in my efforts to make all you ladies out there feel better about yourself i chose to remain honest (even brutal at times) here is my tale, tried and true...


despite all my better judgement, my girlfriend's warnings, and even my gays urging me NOT to try online dating, i took a chance... i wanted to put it out in the universe (ok i hate when people use that phrase too) that i was ready to meet someone nice and wonderful. I was ready for an ACTUAL relationship. my sweet roommate had me take "candid" pictures of myself around our apartment.... just imagine me sitting at the computer, or drinking a glass of wine on the couch, or being "surprised" by the camera when i just happened to look put together and skinny from a very certain angle while looking through an old photo album. there's even one of me washing the dishes in the kitchen ...yes, i'm not ashamed to admit that maybe i wanted my match man to think that i was one of those traditional "wifey types" who loves to bake and clean.





cut to my very first date. His name was Chris and his screename was BondFan. as in james. i know, I KNOW! i should have stopped right then and there...but something told me (at the very least) this would be a good story. trust your instincts ladies, trust them always. So we agree to meet at Le Pain Quotidien - or as he put in his email a "belgian breakfast/brunch/lunch place" great! so i walk in and it's totally that awkward do we shake hands or hug moment and after taking one look at him he most definitely got a hand shake. Now, please understand that i am not a shallow person. On the contrary, most of the people I'm attracted to are not the universal leading men types. I tend to go for the funny best friend-- vince vaughn over brad pitt in Mr. and Mrs. Smith-- the supporting players if you will. Anyways, Bachelor #1 had an unusually large head and very tiny arms. That much i knew... but no matter... i was determined to remain positive... maybe that huge head held a vast amount of knowledge or better yet, humor!





He utters his hello! nice to meet you! and i can't help but notice how noticeably loud this man's voice is and how the sound so closely resembles that of the Movie Phone guy. He asks if we should sit in or outside and I said it didn't matter to me...then he says and sort of laughs at his own what he thinks is a hilarious statement "i suppose i should be the man and just tell you where to sit, right??" aaaaaaaannnd it's bad right out of the gate. I mean he is that guy that basically says out loud what normal people think in their heads and choose not to say. It would have been sexy if he took control and said "let's sit outside" but because he ruined it with his internal turned external thoughts the moment had passed and we ended up sitting inside. this turned out to be a TERRRRRIBLE idea as it was a somewhat small little cafe filled with people sitting around us at a verrrry close proximity. So once we sit down the very first words he spoke were (again, a reminder, movie phone guy basically yelling in a quiet cafe) "I'm not ashamed to be on MATCH at all! don't you love MATCH? when i saw your pictures on MATCH i knew there was something special about you" (a huge frustrated sigh) everyone knows that "match" as he so eloquently nicknamed it is like Fight club. the first rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club and the second rule is you DO NOT talk about fight club. All of 3rd street and Robertson does need to know how pathetic i am, ok? there's no need to broadcast the fact that i can't get a date the normal traditional way. anyways.....






as we are sitting there in awkward silence he looks down at the table and thinks it needs to be wiped...he calls the server over and proceeds to tell me "i hope you dont think i am ocd or a crazy psycho clean freak or anything." well of course then i started to think that he definitely was!!!!!!! He asks the waiter for Black tea with a little bit of mint and when the waiter brings out hot tea...he then acts as if that waiter is an idiot and should have known that he obbbbbbviously meant iced black tea and made him take it back. A great start!!!! He finally gets his tea and now he needs some AGAVE nectar. Of course he does. He then tells me "agave is this great sweet nectar that is all natural because it comes from a cactus" I KNOW WHAT AGAVE IS OKAY!!!!! I changed the subject to what he was going to order or what he usually gets here....he begins to list every item on the menu and gives a brief description as well. Uh, sir? i think i can figure out on my own that a ham and cheddar omelette consists of ham and CHEDDAR!





he then started to analyze my clothes... He said "i really like what you're wearing... (he then laughed) i really sound like i'm gay, don't i ?" well no you didn't, but NOW you do! Apparently the fact that i was wearing a red shirt meant in the Chinese culture that it is lucky and some necklace that i borrowed from my friend was a worry bead necklace that apparently kept away any bad spirits. that necklace did not do a very good job. We finally ordered and he got the Mediterranean Platter. NOTE TO SELF: never eat olives with pits in front of someone you are trying to impress...his tiny hands and grubby stubby fingers were all over that platter and he was even eating the lettuce with his hands! this was the worst part...he kept saying (out loud!) "i must look so unattractive as I'm eating these olives" well yes you do actually and the fact that you're drawing even more attention to it is making me sick. i just smiled and looked at the clock for the 47th time in 12 minutes.




He's telling me about his father's photography background and gallery that he now manages and like any normal person i lean forward and rest my head in my hand (probably subconsciously to keep my head up and alert and not falling down onto the table in boredom and frustration. ) he then says and i quote "i can tell by the way you are leaning forward that you're clearly attracted to me and you're pupils are dilated which means you're interested, engaged, and curious"

????????????????? yup. i can't make this shit up people.



He was one of those guys that had a girlfriend story or scenario to go with anything i said .... Me: "i'm from orange county" Him: "i had a girlfriend once who lived in orange county, but we just couldn't make the distance thing work" Me: "yah, i love bad reality tv ...real housewives are my favorite" Him: "I had a girlfriend once who loved those shows, she would even yell at the TV and talk as if she knew them" he then went on to tell me about some MATCH horror stories including one where a woman asked him to impregnate her on their first date. and he even said he had to think about it because she was very attractive!!!! at this point i was looking for all emergency exits and he actually had the delusional mind to say, "i really feel like we are clicking" see, the thing about clicking is you're only clicking if you don't have to say "we're clicking" it should be apparent in the non-stop conversation, or constant laughter...NONE of which was going on. So i smiled and just said, "ohhhh we'll see...." or "i don't know, maybe" (in an uncomfortable questioning tone)

OH!!! pay close attention!!!!! if you take away one piece of advice from this post on your dating excursions it should be this--if you ever start a sentence with "I hope I'm not being too forward..." or "i hope I'm not revealing too much..." chances are you ARE! and PLEASE DON'T! We sat for what felt like hours before the check finally arrived and as I went for my wallet as a polite gesture to offer to pay half he abrubtly stops me and says "why are you going for your wallet? in the past when girls offer to pay half it means they're not interested. are you saying you're not interested??" uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...i told him i was just trying to be nice and offer to pay, and then he came back from psycho land and said "don't worry i got it... i want to see you again" i just kept saying yah, maybe, we'll see.... i feel like i was saying that the entire date. We finally got to my car and I said thank you again and he said "i would like to escort you again, Tanya" i said i was working every night and i was out of town this weekend (all of which is true) thinking he would get the picture. he didn't. He texted me within minutes and said 'when will i have the pleasure of seeing you again' (escorting you out and pleasure of seeing you again!!!! please return to this century!) i thanked him for lunch, wished him well on his match search but i just didn't feel any chemistry or spark between us. He said "you sure fooled me. i very much thought there was a click here. there was definitely a spark" to which i replied, "nope. not for me. nothing you did or said, but honestly just no chemistry." he kept texting me back i kid you not wanting to know what was it specifically...and i told him point blank..."honestly you just were not that funny, and a sense of humor is the most important thing for me." to which he retorted with "THAT'S A NEW ONE! I'M NOT FUNNY ENOUGH" and that concluded our brief match.com relationship.

moral of the story? i'm happy i went. you just never know what could happen...you could meet that one great guy walking to the cafe, or he could even be your waiter! i noticed that i naturally felt more confident after that horrific experience (i mean who wouldn't ? this guy made pretty much everyone look good) and i'm becoming a real pro at this dating thing.... i'm weeding the fields, trimming the fat, kissing (NOT literally) a few frogs, etc. Plus side? after that date i was so mortified and shook up that i literally went to ralphs bought a 6 pack of bud light lime, a bag of baked cheetos, watched really bad tv, and had my idea of the perfect afternoon.

it's all fun and games 'til someone says "i'll call you RIGHT back"

are you an actor? or maybe a musician? oooh or a stand-up comic? Do you live in LA? or NY for that matter? are you a narcisist? do you enjoy hearing yourself spout out useless information about atheism or recycling? chances are i've already met you, we've probably fucked, maybe we dated briefly, and you most definitely never called me back. i had an epiphany (while watching eat, pray, love of all goddamn movies).... julia roberts looks at this hot guy on the beach (after drinking copious amounts of tequila) he takes his shirt off and wants her to go skinny dipping with him and inevitably fuck. She takes one look at him and says (i'm paraphrasing) "i've already dated you, I dated you 5 years ago and i dated you 5 months ago. i know how this ends." why is it we bang our heads against the wall over and over expecting different results like a crazy person???!! i fall for the same cheesy dipshit fucktard lines EVERYTIME....and actually i start to realize after the relationship is over that they are, in fact, not even saying what i hear them say. People are who we want them to be. I'm constantly projecting some unattainable fantasy onto some poor sap.

For example, I was dating someone (who shall remain nameless...because i'm a classy gal) and of course it's those first few weeks when we can't help but get swept up in all of the rush and lust and fun....its almost like you're putting that person so close to your face that everything is blurry and its only when you step back and out of the hypnotic trance that you're in that you can actually focus and see all of their flaws and all the things that they really said and did to you.
anyways, we're literally going on maybe our second date and he turns to me and says.... "i think about you. i think about you smiling and laughing at some story i'm telling you." Now i was so delusional and wanted this guy to be the one and never have to date again...that i literally told myself (and all of my friends and everyone i had ever met) that this guy said he thinks about my smile when he thinks about me. OK...REALITY CHECK!!!!! of course (only now that it's ended) am i able to comprehend what this guy was really saying to me ... when he thinks of me he thinks about HIMSELF telling me a funny story and me laughing and smiling like i'm his biggest fan. So really when he's thinking of me, he's thinking about his own stories and jokes, and only my reaction to HIS shit. He made me a cd of HIS songs, we would watch HIS favorite tv show, i would go to HIS show, and HIS favorite restaurants. I even thought that he remotely cared about my love for writing this blog when he said we should write together!! after only hanging out one time he wanted me to come over and write with him--separate things--- my blog and his webisode or some shit. Anyone that knows me and this blog would know it's kind of a personal thing, and writing to me is MY time, my little sanctuary, my time to be completely selfish. So we are sitting on his couch just writing in silence. I rememeber thinking... if i could really write what i wanted to at that point, i would write how much of a fucking idiot i felt like...and how ridiculous and hilarious this situation is, and who the hell just writes on a date!!!!!!! i thought he suggested that for me and my love of writing....when really he said he focused better on HIS script with me there.

how did i let some man completely cause me to lose all sense of myself. he actually made me doubt my worth, my brilliance, my opinions, my bad taste in reality tv. I love reality tv. and i love bad top 40 hits. and i try to recycle but i dont always take those reusable bags with me to trader joes. and if you have a problem with that or you're trying to manipulatively shove your opinions down my throat you can go fuck yourself. because that's what it comes down to at the end of the day. all those guys are really fucking themselves...they want some dumb girl to mirror them and smile at them and never challenge them. that girl is NOT me. sara bareilles said it so eloquently..... I'M NOT DROWNING. there's no one here to save.


this is all kind of my rant and rave to remind all of you girls (and guys) out there to never let someone make you feel less than. To stand up for the dumb shit that matters to you. oh and one last little gem that i have to share is the way this whole thing ended..... apparently it's called the magic disappearing act (to quote my wise roommate) and this happens to women all over, everyday! a girl could be dating a guy for 3 weeks or 3 months and then just one day- out of the blue -they call you, only to say their other line is ringing and can they call you RIGHT back...... YUP! you guessed it!! you never hear from them again. Of course it's the mix of rejection, sadness, disappointment, embarassment that fuels my rage. but have the decency to end it like a man. Tell me you're not interested anymore and this has been fun, tell me you've met someone else or you're back with your ex. Just be honest.

The bright side? i'm jolted out of my delusional dream relationship and able to see that he was just not the right fit for me. to quote my mom, "not the lid that fits my pot." I'm grateful for the experience and for that temporary high that is so addictive it makes you do crazy things!! and i only hope to learn how to ground myself next time and see the person for who they really are, and most importantly if they like me for who i really am. he's out there. just gotta be patient.....back to the drawing board. stay tuned.....

marilyn vs. doris

someone once told me that men want to sleep with marilyn monroe but wake up next to doris day. i guess its the whole madonna/whore situation thing but when is being fun, flirty (and maybe a little promiscuous) too much? or, more importantly, when does it hinder you from actually finding true love. have i totally exhausted all my possibilities because of some ridiculous profile on facebook that im constantly updating with comments like "drinking and fucking tonight, and not necessarily in that order." life just seems funnier when you are embellishing the truth. sometimes (most times) i'm not actually drinking when i say that i'm drinking, and for that matter i'm certainly not sleeping around with half of los angeles or orange county. it's similar to the phrase "...and then i found 5 dollars" after someone says a boring story. for me, i like to say, "aaaaaaand i may have been drunk" see? funny! that's the key to interesting and good writing, so it only seems fitting that i do that on my blog as well. none of this is actually TRUE or rrrreeeaaallly me down to my core. the vulnerable good-hearted person that i am--that would be BORR-INNG! but then i start to worry when i asked a friend of mine if i'm 'girlfriend material' and he says, "well maybe if you didn't write things like "i need a roommate, help! i'll open my legs if you open the door..." i'm abruptly reminded that my reputation might actually preceed me. but that's my humor and as much as i love my ability to self-depricate or embellish my drinking and sex life... when is it too over the top? am i actually phasing out the possibility to be sadie sadie married lady because of my facebook account or some blog that 24 people read? (and by the way, thanks to all of you) i mean, trust me, i have no problem playing the part of fun, drunk party girl (its a rough life, but someone's gotta do it) but then i worry that there will come a time (all too soon) where this lifestyle will seem sad and pathetic. will i still be dancing on bars when i should be having babies and binkys? what is the absolute oldest age you can be and still get away with going out, having fun, and maybe make a few bad decisions? AND because i'm not programmed like those girls.... we all know them.... the "marrying types" the girls that like to stay in and cook, who are really put together, and wear make-up all day or sit around in jeans, and wouldn't dream of wearing sweats to the grocery store-- am i doomed to live alone with cats and become the walking version of my greatest nightmare...the cathy comic. AND remember that one sex and the city where charlotte says she cant be around single dysfuctional girls anymore? she has to surround herself with married people??? i honestly dont know what i would do without my dysfunctional friends. they are the best, the most loyal and loving, and they make me laugh the most. BUT this also brings up additional problems....when is having a tight knit group of girls a problem? we always say this but if i have a night off and could choose one thing to do it would include a bottle(s) of wine, comfy couches, my girls, and lots of trader joes apps. that's all. soooooo this is a problem because in my head i know i should go out and try different things, meet new people, go to church or temple functions or wine tastings or something, but in my heart i KNOW im probably in for a boring awful night, or worse! i'll be sitting across from some awful guy at some awful restaurant WISHING i had just stayed in with pizza and gilmore girls. this is bad. this is very bad. i can't hang around with married couples because it will depress me and make me want to punch them, and i cant be around my single girlfriends because i will get too comfortable with my surroundings and never move on to the next phase in my life. what to do ...what to do...

but the other night, as i was standing (or rather almost passed out on a bench) outside of The Swallows bar, someone said something about being 'marriage material' or a good wife and i turned to my friend jojo -who we all know and love-and i asked him if he thinks i'd be a good wife. and he said i would be the best wife ever. i'm not quite sure in my drunken haze if he was serious or not, but it seemed genuine and for that... this post is dedicated to him. i, too, know that i will make a wonderful wife someday, and hopefully i will find that person who makes it all worth staying in and learning how to cook, someone who will embrace my dysfuctional loveable friends, my sweat pants and my ridiculous updates and blogs. it's a tall order but i'm worth it. if anything else, i can give one hell of a blow job. *again, joking, embellishing....

breaking up is hard to do...

we've allllll been there. the lows, the really low lows, the shame, the rebounds, the self-reflecting, the tears, the anger, the endless complaining after a bottle (s) of wine with your gal pals, etc. The best are those books. GOOD LORD some of them are just terrrrible. here's a story for you-- i went to barnes and noble one day when i was feeling especially low and casually perused the self-help aisle, after a little while i was at the check-out and put down 'Room for Love' 'It's called a break-up because it's broken' 'The Between Boyfriend's Book' and a journal/diary with hearts and pink bows all over it, the cashier looked down at the books then up at me and said " Don't worry things will get better" It is her sweet optimism mixed with my (temporary) bitterness that brings me to my next blog. What to do immediately following a break-up. In my opinion you need to SPELL IT OUT for me...tell me exactly what i need to do. i couldn't deal with a therapist saying something like "well, what do you think you should do?" no no... that won't work. because i know what i think i should do as well as what i want to do, and until someone tells me exactly what the right thing is i'll just worry about what i should be doing, and we could've saved a lot of time if you just TOLD me what to do in the first place. So here goes, NOT that i'm an expert in any way shape or form, as i still catch myself pining for my first love which was like a catrillion years ago..but take this advice with a grain of salt (add some margarita mix and a few shots of tequila while you're at it) here goes...



1) first thing to do. cancel all events.... school, work, what have you. you're sick! you have food poisening, make it up! get in some really comfy pjs and just lounge around aimlessly. make sure you have plenty of groceries as you will be hibernating for approximately 3-5 days. This is the alotted time for your gross, disgusting, no shower, not leaving the couch, eating sara lee desserts for one time. Enjoy these moments lose yourself in mindless television and oprah winfrey topics. After 3-5 days of this you will want to leave the house, you will go nuts if you don't. SO GET UP!



2) go to the gym. TRUST ME i am the last person to be telling you this, i am one of those unfortunate few who eats when i get depressed, but i do know that when you finally get up and go you feel better. AND you now have direct motivation to get in shape so when you do see your Ex out and about with some trampy, skinny, bouncy blonde you can feel good (at least about the way you look) and then you can plot her death later.... I wish i could tell you i actually did all of this, but it never happened... everytime i did see him i was looking like shit, and probably sweating, but i'm still holding out for the day i will run into him looking effortlessly gorgeous and thin with my hilarious amazing new boyfriend (yah, we may be waiting a lonnnng time)



3) take a sexy dance class like strip cardio, or pole dancing. these are the BEST inventions of all time. i remember in New York i had a gay black sassy teacher named Carl who used to make us strip and he would scream at us.... RECLAIM YOUR SEXUALITY!!!! (while Brick House was playing in the background) (plus there are usually older fatter women than you and they immediately make you feel better about yourself) ** once you start to feel good again, people around you start to take notice, you give off a vibe the minute you walk into a bar or a party, and people want to be around positive happy people.



4) write down all of the shitty horrible awful things he used to do. this is a tough one because we actually delude ourselves into thinking we had a story book fairy fucking tale of a relationship. in reality?? there were times that sucked. a lot of 'em!!! try to think about every time he hurt you and write it down so you can have it as a reference when you're missing him and recalling all that good stuff he used to do for you, with you, etc.



5) DO NOT under any circumstance call or text him. BAAAAAD idea, usually doesn't turn out well, and if you're in an angry phase of the break-up you could leave an awfully mean horrible tragic message on his voicemail telling him to go fuck himself, and that you were the best thing that ever happend to him. so yahhhhhh. don't call him.



6) Bridget Jones' Diary, The First Wive's Club, Waiting to Exhale, Kill Bill, High Fidelity, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Something's Gotta Give, The Way we Were, Casablanca, and any slasher/horror movies...all good break-up movies. Bad idea???? going to see 500 Days of summer in the movie theatre alone on a saturday night. or watching The Notebook at all. Give yourself a grace period of at least 6 months before you pop that into your dvd player.



i hope these things help ease your pain just a little bit. i know it sounds cheesy but this is where your friends and family (and wonderful therapist if you're fortunate enough) come in handy. lean on them. Good news??? you will get over it. Bad news?? it might take awhile. What they say is true.... you can't help but look back on the last best thing that happened to you (ie: the last person you were in love with) but as soon as you take care of YOU and get distracted by the things that make you happy that new man will come into your life who makes you laugh and who will love and adore you, and i'm betting it's going to be a million times better than anything you're used to.

if you ever feel like committing suicide....

and you need that extra little push off the ledge, be sure to drive around between the hours of 7pm and midnight listening to KOST 103.5, love songs on the coast with Karen Sharp. It's ironic that her last name is sharp, as that is exactly what i want my knife to be when i stab her in the throat-SHARP! why is it that there is an entire radio station and DJ that's dedicated to rubbing it in my face that i'm single! ok, look, i'm sure that rodrigo who is coasting along in marina del ray wants sofia to know that he's 'saving the best for last' and thinks vanessa williams will get it across to her better then he can, but honestly i can't help but want to puke everytime i listen to something like this. Night after night i find my masochistic self listening to this crap while i'm simultaneously talking back at the radio (ok, sometimes screaming)..."oh please" or "lies!" or "what a crock of shit." don't get me wrong, i'm still optimistic, and hopeful that romance exists and that there are some guys out there who still believe in love and could eventually love me...but those dedications are just GROSS. and rude. and trashy. i decided I'm going to start a station that's dedicated to bitter single women everywhere and call it Fuck You (insert name of your ex boyfriend) and i'll play joni mitchell on loop and beyonce's "single ladies" and that song from The First Wive's Club, "You don't Own Me" oh! and obviously gloria gaynor's "i will survive" and i'll take calls from women all across the country where they will share their horrific story of what some guy did to them, and they can dedicate songs to their girlfriends or sisters that have been through a bad break-up. We need to empower the single lady and take back those taboo words like spinster and old maid (ok, old maid they can keep) but i'm taking back spinster!!!! and i'm taking back candles too! (i read somewhere that candles are the new cats for single women....and i REFUSE to give up my candles)

*** keep in mind the entire time i'm writing this blog i have gotten up three times. once to put on a face mask, once to eat some girl scout cookies, and once to write 'i believe in love" on my mirror in lipstick channeling charlotte in one of my favorite SATC episodes (and ps if you dont know what SATC stands for then you should not be reading this...literally stop now) what does all of this say about me? and the fact that i listen to that piece of shit karen sharp, despite my better judgement. i think it means i'm still hopeful, and i'm keeping my heart open, and it's just going to take a little time. k, time's up I'M READY! i'm out there. let's go!

When Fantasies Go Wrong...

No, not those fantasies...although given the contents of this blog i wouldn't put it past me, and while i can impart some knowledge in that department (two words: cool whip,TRUST ME) I'm referring to the kind of fantasies we as women dream up in our heads about the man (or men) we are going to end up with one day. i am willing to admit that i, too, like so many girls before me and probably after me load piles upon piles of expectations onto any guy i meet and if there are no sparks, butterflies, fireworks or passion then I completely write them off. NEXT!! I always thought I would just know when it was right, you know... have that gut feeling. So far, the only "gut feelings" i've been having lately are probably just cramps or a severe craving for ben and jerry's. I think at some point growing up either our moms might have told us "you'll just know honey" or we watch waaaayyy too many romantic comedies and read too many love stories about instant attraction, love at first sight, blah blah.... I'm not saying this will never be an option for me or any of you...i'm just actually trying to spin it and tell myself that there are other ways to fall in love. it could happen over time. actually falling takes time right?? ... it could be a gradual, slow fall..like down a big hole or something. ok, that sounds awful...it could be like the falling that is in the opening of the HBO hit series Big Love... and i'm wearing one of those gorgeous flowing dresses and my hair is flowing as i'm falling deeper in love, but it's all in slow motion! I never really thought that this would be the way I meet my man, but now that i know the other possibilities i cant help but think that i'm missing out on something, or i should have looked at some of my past men (even tho they're few and far between) differently.
After reading this INCREDIBLE book called Marry Him: The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb, I was flooded with thoughts and feelings about every guy i've ever met! She is basically saying that when you are looking for a man to love and spend the rest of your life with, you need to focus on things like is he reliable and loyal? will he be a good father? a good partner? NOT the initial sparks and witty banter that i am so obsessed with finding right now. there is no better rush/high in the world then flirting with a guy and there's that underlying passion and the excitement you get when you're waiting for him to call and you tell all your girlfriends every obnoxious detail! but, one small problem... how have all of those men with the initial sparks worked out for me? oh that's right, i'm still single! as i was reading this book last night on a plane on valentine's day (i know, depressing) i felt like Nicholas Cage being slapped across the face by Cher and she was screaming "SNAP OUT OF IT!" what lori is saying is that the butterflies/fireworks guys are (generally) the smooth talkers, the assholes, the selfish ones, the unreliable ones, commitment phobes, etc. And we girls are so fucked up because we SAY we want a nice guy but really what we want is a nice asshole, someone who is stable yet spontaneous, sensitive but not a wuss, etc. WE WANT IT ALL! i like to think that there is a guy out there for me who encompasses everything, he does have it all....but how can i be sure? and keep in mind this woman Lori, the author, is now 42 single and was artificially inseminated to have her little boy. Now is that my greatest nightmare realized?? YES! will i settle? NO! what she suggests is that we "broaden our fantasies" and i like that idea....because while humor is ESSENTIAL for me, i can compromise on baldness or a flabby tummy (which eventually happens to them all anyways). We have to figure out what our wants are versus our needs. So, in an effort to be totally honest and put myself and these words out into the universe hoping they will come back to me (preferrably in the body of Aidan Quinn via Practical Magic, with some cactus-shaped pancakes too!)
WANTS - kind, sensitive, funny (like really funny, pee my pants funny), smart, adores me, loves my sisters and my dad, cute, kind eyes, witty, confident (but not cocky), great smile, supportive, comes from a great family, passionate, ambitious, spontaneous, loves to dance at weddings, opens the door for me, sends me flowers, takes me on trips, cooks an amazing breakfast, loves lounging in pjs watching tv with me, my therapist must approve, makes me laugh so hard 'til my stomach hurts! Now i ask you...does that seem unreasonable? the answer is YES, it is. i just described the perfect man. i wish for all of us, myself included, that we find our perfect man...but let's face it... No one is perfect, I'M not perfect!!! So we now have to consider the possibility that there is a man out there who is perfect FOR ME...he might not have all the qualities i listed above, but he has everything i NEED. now we get into my needs...where do i begin? but seriously, here we go....
NEEDS- funny, smart, kind, loyal. Yup, that's it! it's like downsizing your home, or giving away all those clothes in your closet that you never wore. this is so much easier. It's freeing actually, and has made me look at all my potential suitors much differently. It's like good lighting and make-up for men. i've actually raised my odds. Now that i know my needs vs wants i can get back out to bat! i just opened up my possibilities for love. this IS possible. now it doesn't feel like an endless search, with no happy ending. THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stay tuned...