Stalking is an art form

When you hear the word stalker or stalking it usually has a bad connotation...your mind may suddenly go to those creepy guys who make sandra bullock and jennifer garner feel uncomfortable. but the kind of stalking i'm referring to is the kind that we have allll done at some point in our lives (and don't you dare shake your head-you KNOW who you are, and i'm here to tell you it's ok). This type of stalking is always done in good taste...it usually starts when you and a guy first start to take an interest in one another --OR if there's that one guy in the office or at the local Starbucks that you “just know would be in love with me if he just met me or maybe even knew my name..." (i put that in quotes because it was something one of my co-workers was explaining to me ...absolutely nothing I'VE ever said, i would neevvvverrr say something like that) But I will admit to a little “safe stalking” once or twice... And by safe stalking I am referring to the sweet, subtle techniques one may use to get that special someone to notice you and possibly even strike up a conversation.

My stalking career began at the tender age of 14 when i first started to really like boys (BIG mistake, but what can you do ?) I began to notice that all these cute boys were going to some sort of place called church. Now, trust me, I know that I am the last person that you would think is religious but at the time I was curious after all— I mean.. there were awesome girls that were funny as hell and NICE-which was rare in high school- and did I mention cute boys?? So to church I WENT!!!! Keep in mind this was not your average church, it was like a “cool” new age church with a rock band and trips to go snowboarding. It was amazing! And there gorgeous boys everywhere I turned! Ohhhhh the things I was thinking in that church.... ANYWAYS...It was right then and there that I realized the best way to get someone to notice you is to put yourself in their path. If that means walking a few minutes (or miles) out of your way to get to your class... or you just happen to walk by their locker at the time that they need their next book for class, or if you know for a fact that they were going on the snowboarding trip to Utah and this would mean one on one time on the slopes and they could help you if you happened to fall and then you just happen to kiss passionately on top of a mountain!!!!!! Well needless to say the only part of that fantasy that actually came true was the part about me falling down the mountain... but you get the point.  

We can use this same formula as adults in the workplace.. whether that is planting your close friend near his desk and have her Instant Message you when he gets up to go to the bathroom and you just happen to be in the hall at the same time, or receiving BBM's from your boss letting you know when he is in the kitchen- these are just a few examples of really taking action and putting yourself out there (a little bit at a time) to get what (or who) you want. I think of men in the same way as I think of jobs....just get me in the room...just get me an interview, let him meet me, let him get to know me-- I WILL get that job and I WILL get that man!! ***all of this delusional positive thinking is probably why I am still working at my miserable job, and if any of these methods actually DID work I would be blissfully happy with a man who adores me ...but I HAVE come close and I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with a little power of positive thinking, and I’m pretty sure I have a lot of good coming my way reeaaal soon so don’t rain on my fucking parade, ok?  

But enough about me, even though the whole point of this godforsaken blog is to talk about me, I think it’s time to draw our attention to some of my readers who have successfully (and shamefully) dabbled in a little stalking action themselves.  It might make you feel a little better to know that you are in good company when you read the following responses...

1. Figure out the time he goes to the gym -(this was clearly pointed out to me by a skinny bitch friend of mine and now even I am starting to realize the endless possibilities of the gym—a glorious place (that I hate) where I can hunt down cute guys and feel a little bit better about my fat ass at the same time!  Usually the best times to go are early morning (6-8am) or evening (after 7) NEVER go in the middle of the day—unless you want some loser out-of-work musician/comedian or worse ...unemployed actors!!!!!  Once you’ve established your man’s time of arrival, figure out his routine, see which machines he uses, and just happen to “not know how to work this machine” BOOM- ice is broken! You’re welcome.
2. Get to know their friends. I personally swear by this rule. It is so important that his friends like/LOVE you. You must be the cool girl that brings over beer and watches football (don’t worry, this is only for the trial period when you reel him in, once he’s caught you never have to watch sports again) Once his friends like you they will then hopefully just happen to bring you up in a conversation... “hey that tanya girl is awesome!” then he is thinking about you like crazy...he thinks what a smooth transition it would be to have her over and hang out with the guys, she’s totally low maintenance and if you happen to make out a little down the road that’s great too! Pretty soon you are celebrating your 2 month anniversary and he’s calling you “babe” -which I already said is gross and you can never do that around me —but this is my fantasy and it’s perfectly acceptable for my pretend boyfriend to call me babe.
3. Drive bys--- no not the kind in Compton--Remember this is peaceful stalking. But this idea of a drive-by was new to me too. This girl (who shall remain nameless but you know who you are) said that she and her friends would actually drive by her ex-boyfriend’s house and see if their car was parked in the driveway or if there were any other cars there (ie: a new girlfriends maybe! The nerve!!!!! )  This is a BAAAAD idea, for obvious reasons, and I would not recommend it. To take it a step further one girl even went so far as to drive around for 45 minutes in this guy’s neighborhood until he came home, then called him and said “hey, I was just in the neighborhood...wanna grab coffee?” And that one actually worked! But I don’t have the balls the time or the lack of pride for that obvious trick... But again, I wanted to make sure I rounded out this post with a range of stalking—the good the bad and the just plain desperate.
4. Go to the bars they like. There are a few bars that certain guys frequent a lot. We all know they are not out dancing on tables at clubs —unless we are speaking of a certain bridge and tunnel crowd and if that’s your bag-you’re on your own! It’s simple--Men are creatures of habit-they need two things....Food (in this case booze goes under the category of food) and SEX. Therefore, if you just happen to be at their favorite bar and he’s already got Food checked off his list..there’s nothing left to think about but Sex!
   

As we are nearing the end of my worthless rant I want you to remember one thing....There is a fine line between cute and creepy. A wise married friend of mine once told me it comes down to one word...reciprocation. Basically anything you do is considered ok if you get the go ahead that he likes you back. And let’s not kid ourselves ladies, you can just tell, you know? These instinctual feelings you have will then lead you to either A) keep pursuing or B) hang back and never speak to him again and avoid him at all costs. So please keep that in mind before you do anything drastic.

BUT in the rare case that they technically haven’t even met you YET... I say there’s no harm in giving your man a little shove in the right direction :) Happy trails! 

LIAR!!!!!

The above clip is... in my opinion...one of the greatest scenes in cinema history.  This little clip of joy PERFECTLY illustrates what i want to discuss for my next post. I know what you're thinking... How can one scene with a running time of 34 seconds sum up the hurt, betrayal, and embarrassment you feel when you think a guy is just starting to take an interest and then you NEVER hear from him again? It's simple. Watch the clip but this time really start to notice the little nuances of the scene in it's entirety 1) she's in bed and clearly looks depressed and distraught-- and you just KNOW that feeling could only come from two things-- a guy, or a death. 2) she's watching a trashy soap opera--amazing  3) her best girlfriends come to her rescue with smoothies and 4) she's eating a box of chocolates. Genius. We have ALLL had those moments of disenchantment. We get so caught up in our fantasy that this guy could be the one (you may have known him 5 minutes or 5 years) and the second you let your guard down- WHAM!  they crush you and your spirits like a butterfly on a goddam car windshield with a very reckless, rude, mean and bad--BAAAADDD man at the wheel.  

Now I don't want for this post to sound bitter like my other ones (which are meant to be bitter and yah i'm definitely bitter) this is more of a shock and confused post. I want to point out that i have it on good authority that i'm not the only one who has experienced this type of rejection. And it happens to all of us on very different levels....and yet, they all seem to end with the same result-- He said he would call, and he doesn't.  The question i want to pose to my male readers (if there are any) is WHY do you feel the need to go out of your way to lie to a girl? Let's say (hypothetically) you and this guy are talking and texting and when it comes time to meet he says "sure, i'll call you tomorrow" and unless i'm looking at my sun dial wrong i believe tomorrow is not TEN DAYS LATER, so i'm pretty sure at this point you are definitely blowing me off and never actually planned on calling me in the first place (and by me i mean us -as in women everywhere) I feel like taking time out of your day to pick up the phone and say 'i'll call you tomorrow' takes a lot more effort than just leaving me the hell alone. 

*** A good rule of thumb gggggentleman***  Try to refrain from all funny, cute or flirtatious comments at any point, and please do not describe yourself as a "really nice guy" if you don't plan on doing anything about it. And ladies i am telling you from experience.. if a guy ever tells you anything that sounds remotely like this.... "But i already told my mom about us" or "Well i will just have to meet your dad, I think he will really like me"  RUN!!!!! run as fast as you can. Trust me, i know that stuff sounds fucking adorable at first, but any guy that knows just what to say and when to say it, or if he's a little too smooth-something is definitely wrong with him. But who can blame me (us) ??? Girls get excited verrrryy easily, and most of the time conversation consists of things that i put in my last post (read below on what NOT to do) so when there is even an inkling that someone gets your humor, and you two sort of just start to click- chances are...he's a psycho who can't commit. 

*Thanks to michelle who helped me convert this video clip,  since i clearly take the short bus to computer school. 

Pillow Talk

There is a reason that phrase was coined in the first place.... 'pillow talk'  is meant to take place while you are in a bed near some PILLOWS. Talking dirty and all other kinds of wonderful expressions of your sexual freedom that you do on your own time is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE when you are actually in the moment of doing any of these things: literally having sex, phone sex, "sex"-ting, AIM sex, and any other kinds of sex that I can't think of, but would be most curious to learn about.  I mean WHEN did it become ok for guys to say the most heinous inappropriate things to a woman in person or over a text when we did not warrant ANY flirtation of that nature in the first place. Is this maybe because we call each other hoes and sluts all the time, and the men are taking that LITERALLY?! Apparently i didn't get the memo that women just love to be told dirty sexual things in person and be completely caught off guard. Let me please point out that it is NEVER ok for a guy to say overt, sexual things to a woman IN PERSON, over a text, on her FACEBOOK WALL, or in an inbox of any sort. No matter how much the girl is flirting and being all cute and touchy and maybe even a little sexy...you must remember to keep it at that. Subtlety is the key. The whole point of flirting is that we get totally into it because it's mysterious and we are constantly on our toes always guessing...does he like me? etc. But if the guy decides to put it out there and actually talk about licking or sucking ANYTHING all romance and mystery goes RIGHT out the window! There's no way to take back what you said.... we are left with just dirty words on repeat inside our head playing over and over. It really comes down to taking things one step too far. Being a tad bit TOO literal. You could be walking a very fine line... then BOOM you've said too much. These things are what I assumed were common knowledge but apparently not. To illustrate my point further let's do a few 'good idea / bad idea' scenarios, shall we?   Good idea: You look great tonight! --  Bad Idea: I just really want to suck on your titties. Good idea: It's cold out and I wish you were here to keep me warm --   Bad Idea: If you were here, I would be deep inside you.  See? Literal = not attractive, and borderline creepy actually.  

This got me thinking... in the '50's or something I could never picture a gentleman actually saying anything like that to a lady at some dinner party. I mean sure all of those guys were constantly harassing women at work, and I've heard the Rat Pack were a bunch of real dirty dogs... But i'm pretty sure they kept it subtle. Maybe someone like Don Draper or Roger Sterling would have said something like, "God I would love to see what you have going on under there..."  (and by the way both Jon Hamm and John Slattery are free to say whatever the hell they want to me.... none of the above applies to either of those GORGEOUS men)  But again, they would probably have the class and respect for a woman to maybe not go into such graphic details whilst flirting. 

The moral of the story my friends is that you should very RARELY say anything too graphic and disgusting about a woman's body and what you want to do with it,  but if you do decide to engage in some sort of flirtatious banter with a lady, remember, sweet little subtle conversations will work like a charm.  And I like to talk dirty as much as the next girl, but let's keep it between the sheets, near some pillows. 

Exes CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be friends.

If anyone ever tells you different they're lying to you. I mean, ok, I get it... MAYBE if things ended mutually- which i'm sorry when in god's name does that EVER happen, or I guess if it wasn't that much of a really "invested" relationship that maybe you could salvage some sort of "friendly" feelings towards the person. But really what's the point of struggling to feel a little bit of friendship-y feelings...frankly it sounds like a lot of work, AND if you weren't really that invested in the first place why would you want to waste your energy drumming up some fake friendship feelings for some guy you hardly had an interest in to begin with. Maybe that's just me. But if anyone has ever broken up with you (quite possibly the GREATEST feeling in the world) then I am going to strongly advise you (and myself over and over again in my head) that it is NEVER a good idea to hang out with your Ex. Old memories and old feelings start to come back to you (not to him) and you (meaning me) tend to get all dough-eyed and revert back to that dumb (ok, naive) 16 year old girl again. In my defense, I would like to point out that when you are THAT young it's kind of impossible not to get caught up in it all. Your heart is wide open, your guard is way WAY down and you don't think anything bad could ever happen to you. And i know maybe from this blog it's easy to think that i'm this bitter cold-hearted bitch (most of which is true) but really i was and still am a romantic, first and foremost. Sweep me off my feet with funny, witty banter and it's all over for me-- I melt. If there's even a glimpse of a spark i'm SOLD, and then it's all sort of a snowball effect...pretty soon I am picturing our lives together (the guy in his Kiss the Cook apron at the grill, me bringing him ice cold lemonade--pre made obviously-- and our two kids running around in sprinklers or some shit) This is what I go through EVERY TIME there's even a hint of something there. And i know, to my good friends, it may seem like this happens to me all the time, but really these feelings are a very rare occurrence. That allusive untouchable "thing" that is, in fact, chemistry or a spark is VERY few and far between. So when it happens I am squealing, jumping on my bed, ear to ear smile, just BEAMING. I always tell people (and by people, i mean my therapist) that i experience these really high highs and very low lows. Sure it keeps things interesting but there are a lot of emotions going on...it's actually quite exhausting. Sometimes i almost wish i was that girl that could just find someone simple and sweet who would love me endlessly. But i am just NOT that girl. At least not right now. Even though i know in my head what is right and what is wrong, what is safe and what is stupid, I keep repeating the same mistakes. I worry that i will go down the road my mother went through falling for some sarcastic asshole bullshitter before she finally settled down with the adoring, dependable guy who is now my good ol' dad.  

Speaking of sarcastic asshole bullshitters....let's get back to the subject at hand.... my Ex. This past Thanksgiving weekend which- let me tell you- was a real shit show around the Schwied house. My god, aren't families fucked up. I mean in the sense that EVERYONE'S family (mine probably on a whole 'nother level) is in one way or another REALLY dysfunctional. My mom used to say we put the 'fun' in dysfunctional. I almost think it's better and things get much easier when you can just admit that you are all totally out of your minds, that families are supposed to be crazy and insane. You can completely let your guard down and say exactly what you want to say. Even after all of that they STILL have to love and accept you. And surprisingly, THEY DO! i know that i'm kinda lucky in that sense.  But let's get serious, that's not to say there were not BUCKETS of tears (mostly mine) rude little snippy comments and loud fights every ten minutes. So yah, you understand my predicament. That (among other things) was why I decided it was time to get out of the house for a night. 

Cut to my good friend and I deciding to go out for a lovely little dinner. Champagne cocktails, mouth-watering appetizers...what could go wrong? Well, I'll tell ya.... your Ex showing up. That'll put a cherry on your sundae! The funny thing is it started out really great. (this is in my mind obviously, the tension at the actual table was palpable, and our friends were FOR SURE weirded out by the whole situation)  But back to things as they played out in my head.... He (who shall remain nameless) and I enjoying a fabulous trip down memory lane ... Him:  "remember that time in Amsterdam" Me: in reality " Oh yah, so fun"  (only the best time of my LIFE and something i will never get over, oh but then i came back weeks later only to find you had found someone else) Him : "remember when we got high in the sauna and went to go see that incredible comedy show, and we went and had the best dinner ever at Mr. Chows"  ME: "oh my god yes! Remember the shrimp?!! Yum! " (only a minor detail--but that night is what i now base all of my dates on, and nobody will ever meet those expectations because they probably weren't real and were in my head again as something incredible and special)   This continues for an uncomfortably long period of time. And by now I've had at least 5 cocktails, and I'm feeling like a million bucks!  I even get a bbm from my friend at the table, "how's rekindling the flame?"  ***He even at one point pulled out his phone and showed us all a text from an Ex of his that said something about how she "will never live up to, and will never be on par with Tanya."  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK FROM THIS!!!!!???? I mean come on, i'm a smart girl, I don't just put my feelings out there when i don't think that the feeling is mutual.  These thoughts start to come over me and lead me directly to the next chapter of this miserable tale. He asks me to go with him in his car to our next destination, another bar. We are driving, and talking, and he is explaining to me all of the things he is going to do.... the big plans he has..... and I'm overwhelmed with pride. I finally just blurt out the thing we are NEVER supposed to ask...... get ready for it..... you know what's coming.... i'm cringing even writing this.... "Why didn't things work out between us? What was it that I did?"  Yup. me of allllll people said this pathetic, embarrassing thing that everyone tells you never to say. But the crowning jewel of the entire evening was what happened next..... He said, and I quote...."Tanya, you are like a really good cheeseburger from In-N-Out. You're great, and delicious, but I just got sick of having cheeseburgers everyday"   That's right ladies and gentleman!!!!! hence, the photo. And the really sad thing is, now i never want to eat another cheeseburger for the rest of my life. And I LOVE cheeseburgers. Damn you, Ex of mine, for ruining yet another good thing in my life...In-N-Out. Bastard. It's one thing to permanently mess me up in my head, or give me false hope sometimes, or make me jaded for the rest of my existence, but it is QUITE another to start messing with my love of fast food and cheeseburgers. But hey, maybe he can just compare me to a big bag of potato chips, or a pint of ben and jerry's then I'll be the skinniest bitch this side of West Hollywood's ever seen! 

Now I don't want you leaving after reading this post thinking I'm even more bitter and depressed now (which i'm sure that's what it looks like from the above post) but the truth is I was glad to hear it put in such a brutally honest way. I was too much of a good thing. He couldn't handle a strong, confident, funny, caring, loving, supportive woman at his side. And ya know what? I loved every minute of our time together, but I want someone else. Someone who is going to WANT to have cheeseburgers everyday, and never get sick of a good thing, someone who will always and forever cherish the cheeseburger, love the cheeseburger whole heartedly. And I know he's out there, somewhere. I just know it.