"The Glass is Half Empty" or "Where is My Big Mac"

Dieting. We've all been there and if you haven't fuck you. I'm still at that miserable point in my life where I'm "figuring things out" (**reality- waiting for something miraculous to happen like a career idea that I don't have to work hard for or even better a proposal!) And when your life consists of a piece of shit job (retail, waiting tables, 9-5, etc) it's the little things you look forward to... the weekend, nights out, dinners, brunch, bars, ice cream, popcorn at movies, and WINE. If I'm suddenly deprived of these things I feel as if I have nothing to live for. Dramatic? Yes. Truth? Yes.

I know what you're thinking... "Tanya, you don't have to deprive yourself of anything--moderation is the key" Or "it's all about finding a healthy balance" When someone tells me this I would literally rather have my eyes taped open and watch the scene in black swan where winona ryder stabs herself in the face with pencils on repeat. I'm hungry dammit!!!!! The day I look forward to a handful of almonds or a piece of cinnamon raisin Ezekiel bread is a very somber day. The only kind of food I allow with any bible references whatsoever is In-N-friggin-Out!

I find myself getting very anxious and on edge. Working out helps temporarily. But as soon as I'm out of there I'm back to being miserable and angry. Possibly even worse because now I'm tired. The littlest things set me off... I was telling my sister (a very skinny workout-nazi) that I was going on a power walk today then she said in what i thought was a very condescending tone "Ohhh, well I wouldn't like that. I like to sweat when i work out." Bitch, I sweat eating a bowl of fucking cereal.

I think everyone is out to get me--it's like I'm in this permanently paranoid state of hysteria a la claire-danes-in-Homeland, minus her skeletal, delicate frame. The commercial ads clearly know when I'm dieting so they run the carl's jr. breakfast biscuit spot ONE MORE TIME. My friends sense my weakness (much like dogs smell fear) and want to go out for a margarita. First of all, I can't go for A margarita --that word to me is forever set in the plural punctuation margaritaS--which leads to chips, salsa, guacamole, and cheese quesadillas. And NO i will not dip veggies in my guacamole. I refuse. That would be like dipping strawberries in shit.

Clearly I have some issues to work out. This will forever be a battle I cannot win. But in the meantime I will no longer starve and binge. I will work out. I will have a cheat day. I will learn to reward myself with pretty clothes and not just vodka. Most importantly I will work with what I've got and be eternally grateful for my giant tits and my ass.

Now what?!

Me: I think I'm depressed.
My Therapist: I think you are too.

(Wait what? That wasn't what you were supposed to say. I thought maybe you could humor me and tell me that this is all perfectly normal and this is just a phase and things are going to start to take off for me soon and in the meantime i don't have to do any work or motivate myself to do anything different than what I'm doing (or not doing) at the moment. Dammit. So what you're saying is it's me? I'm the only one who can help myself)

Me: Do i need a pill? Can I take a pill?
My therapist: No you cannot take a pill! Just get back to being you.

(Motherfuck. What does that even mean? Back to being me? I'm a mess-we've already established this. Ohhhhh I see...what you're trying to tell me is be the best version of "me"-- the motivated go-getter who would stop at nothing to get what she wants. But I'm tired. Ugh. Think about handicapped people or poor people or single mothers or volunteers in the peace corps building rafts or something. Are they tired? Yes. But they keep going. Why am i even tired? what did I do today? Watch 7 hours of Breaking Bad. Pathetic.)

Just reading this over makes me exhausted. I lack the motivation to barely finish this sentence let alone an entire blog post. WHYYYY???!!! Is it the summer heat that makes me want to throw my hands up and just say fuck it and have a drink? Is it beceause I'm having a quarter life crisis a little late at the age of 27 and re-evaluating my entire goddam existence? Am I already trying to forget about my troubles and disappear into those of our favorite Bravo TV characters? (Mary McDonald being my new personal fav) No, No, No! I'm too young to be doing that...I have to at least wait until I have a child before I can forget my life and live vicariously through someone else's.

Recently I've come to the decision that I no longer want to be an actor anymore. I know..i know...but really this is a good thing. I've thought long and hard about it and here are a few things I know I want.... I want to create, write, live passionately, love hard, feel, learn, laugh, and drink. Is that too much to ask? The "business" part of it all started to wear on me...and eventually wore me out. I had to go back to the core of why I even got into this business in the first place. I wanted to meet new people and learn new things and I was always good at it. The talent part came easy to me. What was not so easy is the constant hussle, the selling yourself, the cuthroat nature of it all, the marketing yourself, the rejection, and the narcissists you meet along the way (allll of which I know are in any profession but magnified by a 1000% in the town of Hollywood-and brentwood and santa monica)

An acting teacher of mine always told me "If you can do anything else in this world and be happy then fucking do it and get out now-it's tough" and in my mind I always used to think "oh well that's me-i simply cannot do anything else" ...but the moment I started to tell myself and others out loud that I think i can be happy trying other things it started to just come out naturally and I started to feel good- like i was making the right decision. (or that I'm not and will try something new for awhile and fail miserably-but either way I will be failing BIG!- and I'll never have to think what if?)

The question that everyone asks themselves at one point or another seems to be the same no matter what field you're in..."can I do something I love and still make enough money to live comfortably" That's what I plan to find out. I want to get up and have meaning to my life. A real true purpose. I am starting to open my mind up to other possibilities. Real concrete possibilities that I can make happen for myself. Maybe an English teacher? Or even a therapist? As terrifying as all of this sounds it's strangely freeing in a weird way. I can really picture my life differently- my idea of happiness is the stuff that's in between a "work" day (the conversations and laughs shared with co-workers, the vacations and road trips and nights out with friends, the messy and ridiculously wonderful relationships with my family, and then eventually sharing all of it with someone who is just awesome and funny and he and I can continue sharing all of this with our very own family one day)

But for now, while I'm figuring out my life in this moment of transition, my sister Hayley told me to remember the simple things that I do have, and be grateful for them and say them out loud. Since I'm ususally coming at things from a bitter point of view and whenever anyone writes "I'm grateful" or "blessed" as their status update it usually makes me want to puke I'll spare you all the details. But know that I'm saying those things aloud and it's helping.

Now if I can only figure out what the fuck it is I want to do with my life. I'll keep you posted :)

What have you been up to????

before I begin i would just like to apologize for the horrific set up of this recent post and this blog altogether. I tried to make spaces and fucking indent and make this a LITTLE easier to fucking READ but i am just way too frustrated at the moment and everytime I do change it...it posts as exactly the same set-up as before. Mother Fuck. anyways.... Greeting guys and gals! (ok who am i kidding GAYS and gals!) I know it's been awhile...i've missed you too. I have been putting off writing a new post for some time now (making up a bevy of excuses--i just looked up the word 'bevy' to see if i'm even using it in the right context and of course i'm not..apparently it's a large group or collection of birds...but you get the point) ...i would say to myself, "this isn't significant or funny or interesting enough".... then i remembered-- people have blogs and write un-funny, un-interesting things ALL THE TIME! so here is my small contribution... The other night I had the privilege slash misfortune of running into a very large group of old friends from high school. All guys to be exact. All cute, nice, morally correct guys to be even more exact (I think you know who you are, and I think my mother wanted me to date all of you at one point). Thank God (which they probably do everyday) these boys were sweet and wonderful but even their lovable personalities could not alleviate the sting from the world's most hated question when you go back to your hometown when you're no longer living there... "What have you been up to?" ***Below is a script of exactly what was said...and in parentheses you will find the translation for what my meaningless full of shit answers actually mean. Them: Oh my GOSH! How are YOU!!!! How is LOS ANGELES!!!! What have you been up to ?? Me: Oh ya know same ol' same ol' just living the dream. (Translation: still a waitress.) Them: WOW! That is so exciting! Can we see anything you've done? on Youtube or FunnyOrDie.com? Me: Oh well I've been mostly focusing on live performances, and anything I do online has to have privacy liscensing, etc it's a whole big lawsuit MESS! (translation: i perform about once a month in a black box theatre that seats about SIX. and i've really just been too lazy to make any videos...) Them: Well, you won't believe this... I have a kid now! Wanna see a picture? My wife and I could not be more happy! Me: No way!!!!! SO cute! HOW ADORABLE! He looks just like you! (Translation: Whoah whoah whoah.. you have a WIFE!!! AND a child?? At this point I'm lucky if I can get a guy to take me out for a drink, actually pay for it himself, and hopefully keep that going for more than 2 weeks. I haven't been that lucky, but at the moment i've been enjoying a whole bunch of meaningless sex.) Them: Soooooo...how's the FAM?!!! Me: Oh everyone is wonderful!!!!! (Translation: My dad is in complete denial of the death of my mother and is off gallavanting with some whore in Kauai while I recently took my sister on a campus tour of the University of San Francisco where she will no doubt participate in even more pot smoking and drinking then she does here in our home, and I'm probably in a very co-dependent relationship with my other sister who I call at least 4x a day because she recently got out of a very abusive relationship with her asshole dick poor excuse of a human piece of shit boyfriend.) It's like those horrible Christmas cards where the idiot mothers send along a novel of an attachment bragging about all the acomplishments of their sons or daughters. "Judy recently got engaged and we are looking forward to a Spring wedding, and our youngest son Joseph just got accepted into the Engineering program at UC Berkely with a full ride scholarship! GOOD CHRIST! I almost wish I had the balls to write one of my own "attachments" and lay out all of my family's wonderful dysfuction for the world to see! Merry Fucking Christmas. I also wish that when some random person who I hardly know asks me what I've been up to or what I've been "working on" (this is a Verrrrry LA thing to do--and it's like getting shot in the face with a 38 everytime it happens) I could flat out say with the most serious of tones.... "Well at the moment I'm working on getting drunk tonight, gorging myself on wine and cheese, not taking any classes right now, haven't booked a voiceover job in over 6 months, really just focusing all my attention on my Bravo TV shows---recently i've become fascinated with Bethenny Ever After and Top Chef All-Stars, oh and currently I'm coming up with every excuse in the book NOT to go to the gym... THANKS FOR ASKING!!!!!!!" That's all she writes for today, folks.