match.com

ohhhh boyy. where do i EVEN begin???? be aware that this is just my experience with match.com i chose to share my horrific date experience because, really, where is the fun in reading about a good date. i hate hearing about someone having a great first date...it annoys me, and makes me upset and jealous and only reminds me of how shitty my dates have been in the past. its like someone telling me they got a series regular spot on NCIS: Los Angeles, or they are engaged, or they lost 20 pounds. all great things? yes. interesting for anyone else besides them? no. anything to do with me? again, no. in my efforts to make all you ladies out there feel better about yourself i chose to remain honest (even brutal at times) here is my tale, tried and true...


despite all my better judgement, my girlfriend's warnings, and even my gays urging me NOT to try online dating, i took a chance... i wanted to put it out in the universe (ok i hate when people use that phrase too) that i was ready to meet someone nice and wonderful. I was ready for an ACTUAL relationship. my sweet roommate had me take "candid" pictures of myself around our apartment.... just imagine me sitting at the computer, or drinking a glass of wine on the couch, or being "surprised" by the camera when i just happened to look put together and skinny from a very certain angle while looking through an old photo album. there's even one of me washing the dishes in the kitchen ...yes, i'm not ashamed to admit that maybe i wanted my match man to think that i was one of those traditional "wifey types" who loves to bake and clean.





cut to my very first date. His name was Chris and his screename was BondFan. as in james. i know, I KNOW! i should have stopped right then and there...but something told me (at the very least) this would be a good story. trust your instincts ladies, trust them always. So we agree to meet at Le Pain Quotidien - or as he put in his email a "belgian breakfast/brunch/lunch place" great! so i walk in and it's totally that awkward do we shake hands or hug moment and after taking one look at him he most definitely got a hand shake. Now, please understand that i am not a shallow person. On the contrary, most of the people I'm attracted to are not the universal leading men types. I tend to go for the funny best friend-- vince vaughn over brad pitt in Mr. and Mrs. Smith-- the supporting players if you will. Anyways, Bachelor #1 had an unusually large head and very tiny arms. That much i knew... but no matter... i was determined to remain positive... maybe that huge head held a vast amount of knowledge or better yet, humor!





He utters his hello! nice to meet you! and i can't help but notice how noticeably loud this man's voice is and how the sound so closely resembles that of the Movie Phone guy. He asks if we should sit in or outside and I said it didn't matter to me...then he says and sort of laughs at his own what he thinks is a hilarious statement "i suppose i should be the man and just tell you where to sit, right??" aaaaaaaannnd it's bad right out of the gate. I mean he is that guy that basically says out loud what normal people think in their heads and choose not to say. It would have been sexy if he took control and said "let's sit outside" but because he ruined it with his internal turned external thoughts the moment had passed and we ended up sitting inside. this turned out to be a TERRRRRIBLE idea as it was a somewhat small little cafe filled with people sitting around us at a verrrry close proximity. So once we sit down the very first words he spoke were (again, a reminder, movie phone guy basically yelling in a quiet cafe) "I'm not ashamed to be on MATCH at all! don't you love MATCH? when i saw your pictures on MATCH i knew there was something special about you" (a huge frustrated sigh) everyone knows that "match" as he so eloquently nicknamed it is like Fight club. the first rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club and the second rule is you DO NOT talk about fight club. All of 3rd street and Robertson does need to know how pathetic i am, ok? there's no need to broadcast the fact that i can't get a date the normal traditional way. anyways.....






as we are sitting there in awkward silence he looks down at the table and thinks it needs to be wiped...he calls the server over and proceeds to tell me "i hope you dont think i am ocd or a crazy psycho clean freak or anything." well of course then i started to think that he definitely was!!!!!!! He asks the waiter for Black tea with a little bit of mint and when the waiter brings out hot tea...he then acts as if that waiter is an idiot and should have known that he obbbbbbviously meant iced black tea and made him take it back. A great start!!!! He finally gets his tea and now he needs some AGAVE nectar. Of course he does. He then tells me "agave is this great sweet nectar that is all natural because it comes from a cactus" I KNOW WHAT AGAVE IS OKAY!!!!! I changed the subject to what he was going to order or what he usually gets here....he begins to list every item on the menu and gives a brief description as well. Uh, sir? i think i can figure out on my own that a ham and cheddar omelette consists of ham and CHEDDAR!





he then started to analyze my clothes... He said "i really like what you're wearing... (he then laughed) i really sound like i'm gay, don't i ?" well no you didn't, but NOW you do! Apparently the fact that i was wearing a red shirt meant in the Chinese culture that it is lucky and some necklace that i borrowed from my friend was a worry bead necklace that apparently kept away any bad spirits. that necklace did not do a very good job. We finally ordered and he got the Mediterranean Platter. NOTE TO SELF: never eat olives with pits in front of someone you are trying to impress...his tiny hands and grubby stubby fingers were all over that platter and he was even eating the lettuce with his hands! this was the worst part...he kept saying (out loud!) "i must look so unattractive as I'm eating these olives" well yes you do actually and the fact that you're drawing even more attention to it is making me sick. i just smiled and looked at the clock for the 47th time in 12 minutes.




He's telling me about his father's photography background and gallery that he now manages and like any normal person i lean forward and rest my head in my hand (probably subconsciously to keep my head up and alert and not falling down onto the table in boredom and frustration. ) he then says and i quote "i can tell by the way you are leaning forward that you're clearly attracted to me and you're pupils are dilated which means you're interested, engaged, and curious"

????????????????? yup. i can't make this shit up people.



He was one of those guys that had a girlfriend story or scenario to go with anything i said .... Me: "i'm from orange county" Him: "i had a girlfriend once who lived in orange county, but we just couldn't make the distance thing work" Me: "yah, i love bad reality tv ...real housewives are my favorite" Him: "I had a girlfriend once who loved those shows, she would even yell at the TV and talk as if she knew them" he then went on to tell me about some MATCH horror stories including one where a woman asked him to impregnate her on their first date. and he even said he had to think about it because she was very attractive!!!! at this point i was looking for all emergency exits and he actually had the delusional mind to say, "i really feel like we are clicking" see, the thing about clicking is you're only clicking if you don't have to say "we're clicking" it should be apparent in the non-stop conversation, or constant laughter...NONE of which was going on. So i smiled and just said, "ohhhh we'll see...." or "i don't know, maybe" (in an uncomfortable questioning tone)

OH!!! pay close attention!!!!! if you take away one piece of advice from this post on your dating excursions it should be this--if you ever start a sentence with "I hope I'm not being too forward..." or "i hope I'm not revealing too much..." chances are you ARE! and PLEASE DON'T! We sat for what felt like hours before the check finally arrived and as I went for my wallet as a polite gesture to offer to pay half he abrubtly stops me and says "why are you going for your wallet? in the past when girls offer to pay half it means they're not interested. are you saying you're not interested??" uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...i told him i was just trying to be nice and offer to pay, and then he came back from psycho land and said "don't worry i got it... i want to see you again" i just kept saying yah, maybe, we'll see.... i feel like i was saying that the entire date. We finally got to my car and I said thank you again and he said "i would like to escort you again, Tanya" i said i was working every night and i was out of town this weekend (all of which is true) thinking he would get the picture. he didn't. He texted me within minutes and said 'when will i have the pleasure of seeing you again' (escorting you out and pleasure of seeing you again!!!! please return to this century!) i thanked him for lunch, wished him well on his match search but i just didn't feel any chemistry or spark between us. He said "you sure fooled me. i very much thought there was a click here. there was definitely a spark" to which i replied, "nope. not for me. nothing you did or said, but honestly just no chemistry." he kept texting me back i kid you not wanting to know what was it specifically...and i told him point blank..."honestly you just were not that funny, and a sense of humor is the most important thing for me." to which he retorted with "THAT'S A NEW ONE! I'M NOT FUNNY ENOUGH" and that concluded our brief match.com relationship.

moral of the story? i'm happy i went. you just never know what could happen...you could meet that one great guy walking to the cafe, or he could even be your waiter! i noticed that i naturally felt more confident after that horrific experience (i mean who wouldn't ? this guy made pretty much everyone look good) and i'm becoming a real pro at this dating thing.... i'm weeding the fields, trimming the fat, kissing (NOT literally) a few frogs, etc. Plus side? after that date i was so mortified and shook up that i literally went to ralphs bought a 6 pack of bud light lime, a bag of baked cheetos, watched really bad tv, and had my idea of the perfect afternoon.