The Do's and Don'ts of Sports Bars....

ok so as i am perfecting (very slowly) this whole "woman in the field" theme for some of my posts, I am realizing, that I actually have no idea what I'm doing. But I think this is way better for me (and you, the reader) because I am sort of like a trial and error. Mostly error. I will let you know all of the things that you SHOULD NOT do. And occasionally there will be some pearl of wisdom that I learned on my way, that I will gladly pass on to you--or if it's really good I'm keeping it to myself. Sorry girls, it's rough out there.  Armed with a pad of paper, a pen, my optimism, and that was about it...I was ready to take on the burning mystery of this illusive "sports bar" and see what all the fuss is about. But first, let me preface that I needed some initial Do's and Don'ts for girls/sports/guys/bars in general before I went on location.  Like the dedicated journalist/writer that I am I had no fear, no inhibitions! I stormed the halls of my office building asking every eligible bachelor i could find what they would love to see a girl do, and things that would really piss them off. Here are just a few...

DO

-get really into the game. 

**An occasional holler or Yah! or Yes good call! Or a WOO!  all are acceptable language and sounds to make at a bar.  CAUTION-know what you're talking about before fully committing. Results could turn disastrous if you are not knowledgeable of the game or team or even the sport in general. IE: stay away from "Touchdown" at a basketball game, etc. This does not seem too hard, but you would be surprised...my girlfriend Terri leaned over to me (when we were in front of a table of really hot guys) and whispered oh good it's the last period..ya know the 3rd period. And yes, terri, that would have been fine if we were watching HOCKEY!!! But in basketball there are QUARTERS, so yahh, we have 4 quarters. Like a DOLLAR! it's easy. ahh, bless her heart :) 

-order beer and wings. 

**This can prove difficult ladies, as most of us are used to getting drunk as quickly as humanly possible ( maybe that's just me)  But remember this is a good thing, you can have a slight buzz whilst at a sporting function --especially a sports bar, but you do NOT want to be tanked. Being "that girl" is never a good thing, and will only lead to further troubles (trust me, i mean, so i've heard) As Cher (Cher clueless not Cher moonstruck) once famously said, "It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties but it is QUITE another to be fried all day." Do you see the distinction? You can have a couple of beers and look like a girl who is into sports and fun and easy going, or you can be a girly girl with a mai tai and an umbrella in your drink (translation high maintenance)  Or you can be the one exception to the rule...once again Terri hits it out of the park as she asks me if she can order a salad and wine. I say no, but true to form, this girl let's nothing and no one tell her what she can and can't drink. She will always and forever drink red wine. And we love her for it. But I must say that she DID eat the wings, so it evened out the playing field, so to speak (do you like what i did there, a little sports metaphor)

-look nice, cute and sporty. Jeans, converse, maybe even a jersey if you're feeling creative! 

**This look is surprisingly hard to perfect. We are all used to wearing slutty clothes when going out at night (again, maybe just me) but when we have to be "casual cute" problems arise and stress is had by all. Try to think daytime wear. Less make-up, hair down, sweet little cute tops. Things that scream, "i'm marriage material" not "i'm lonely"  Guys want to go to bed with Marilyn, but they want to wake up to and eventually marry Doris. I say be a little of both. I always like to show off my boobs (as they are perky and huge and i'm proud of them goddammit) and my legs (which i got from my mama) But remember it is always important to remain wholesome, not whorish.  

-actually look interested in the game

** Even if you are not, guys can see that you are willing to open up your mind to different possibilities, you can compromise---in the future...you could watch the game if he goes with you to Crate and Barrel to pick out china, etc. I don't even know if that's what guys do for girls or if that's a place where one even purchases china but you get what i'm saying. Then, when the game is over and everyone is happy and loud this is a PERFECT time to start looking around the joint, make eye contact and eventually walk over to someone and let the flirting begin! Try to remember key points from the game that you can reference, "that steal in the second quarter, can you believe that"  "what a pass" " such teamwork"  etc. Pretty soon you'll be planning what appetizers to make (or for me, purchase) for your husband's super bowl party. 

DONT'S

-talk to a guy during an important play. 

**it is essential that you do NOT do this, and you do not get in someone's line of vision to block them from seeing a crucial play. Also, never act like you know what you're talking about if you don't. Spouting out false information and lies will only make them annoyed and eventually they see right through you, sniff you out, and reveal who you really are.... Someone who watches Gilmore Girls and eats a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting. 

-smoke cigarettes

**it's always important to remember that cigarettes are not only bad for you, but a total turn-off to a non-smoker. It also limits your options of guys. Sure it's fun to have one or two (or a pack) when you're out or if you get hot in places and need some air (yah, probably for sure, just me) but hold off for one night. You will be happy you did, and double your shot at love!! or just double your shot glass.

To sum up my night it really wasn't as tragic as I thought it would be. It was actually FUN! the energy and the testosterone alone is worth getting out of your pjs and slapping on some lip gloss. The guys are pumped, you have great odds (i mean the ratio of girls to guys alone is totally in our favor) and it's ALWAYS fun to catch up with a friend who makes you laugh, makes you think, and makes you happy. All in all, two thumbs waaaay up for sports bars. 

i don't trust skinny girls

the conversation went something like this between my roommate and myself....

Me: I think my next blog entry will be titled 'i don't trust skinny girls'  you know...those girls who are naturally skinny and can eat whatever they want and never have to exercise...what else is there in life to worry about? how are you spending your free time? what do you talk about with your girlfriends? there would be no reason to complain. my only reasoning for EVERYTHING that i'm not doing is, "if i only lost 50 lbs"...if skinny girls don't have anything to hold them back, they are up to no good. Doing some sneeky things i bet. 

Her: Yah, plotting world domination. 

Me: YES! exactly. they cannot be trusted! 

Her: Ok yah that's good, but instead of writing about it, and complaining, why don't we go to the farmer's market and walk around, so that you are actually DOING something. And then you can write about it, and add in the part about skinny girls. 

Me: Dammit, you're right. GET DRESSED WE'RE GOIN' OUT!!!!!!! 

Now, a little background for my readers, i am in NO WAY a foodie or a cook or anything. if it has bread and cheese chances are i love it, oooh and i do know that those two things go very well with red wine--yahhhh, that's about all the knowledge i have on food.  BUT i do know all the good places to meet BOYS! **important note, i KNOW all these places, never have i actually had any of them actually WORK!  But i am on a kick to stay optimistic. Sooooo, in addition to my rants and complaints i FULLY intend to take one day out of my week to go to all the places that Cosmo magazine and Ryan Seacrest tell you to go to in LA to meet guys. And i will give you a full accurate account of what to expect.... not some sugar coated lies brought to you by some gorgeous editor of Vogue with an unlimited expense account, etc.  Hence, here we go..... the farmer's market in Hollywood!!!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!!! See?? happy, excited, hopeful :)

of COURSE it has to be hot out. It's the END OF OCTOBER and it's 86 degrees. PERFECT weather for me (who never has a sweaty face) to be walking around carrying pumpkins and corn, and other heavy things. Literally my roommate (ok, who am i kidding, meghann) and I are walking down the aisles of the outdoor festive little market, and inside I can hear my mom's voice crystal clear....STOP LOOKING AT THE FOOD TANYA! Keep your eyes up and ahead and look for your man. PLUS it was sunny as hell out and I, of course, did not have sunglasses so I'm SQUINTING! Which my mother always told me NEVER to do...she used to say..."It makes you look closed off and unhappy"  So i'm trying to not squint, not sweat (which is hopeless) and not look at the food (again, pretty much hopeless)  But alas, I manage to keep my eyes open.... SPOTTED! one cute guy! And he's actually looking at ME? It is only when I get closer that I realize he's just looking for signatures to legalize marijuana. GREAT!  After I most definitely signed it, i was starting to get discouraged.  Maybe it's because my hands are filled with food! And I'm not open to the possibility of filling my arms with a man (oh come on, i can still believe in secreting stuff and all of the feng shui bullshit) QUICK! i hand over my bags to our friend patrick who had just met us for lunch. Nope, still nothing. And still sweating. **If anyone is reading this godforsaken (just googled the spelling of this, because it does NOT look right but it is) blog and you are the owner of a fantastic beauty line that makes sweat absorbing powder or something, i would be happy to try free samples of your product and endorse it. Anyone? Yah, it's probably just me and my 12 followers (who i love dearly) Anyways...moving forward. 

OOh spotted Jason Alexander. Nope, not helping. 

Now I am on my second strawberry lemonade (wishing it was filled with vodka) and I'm really trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong!!! optimism fading.... Then i totally have an AHA! moment, just like Oprah. I am honestly and truly having such a fun day. I didn't need a cute guy to make my day fun, in fact it would have probably been more stressful and lead to more sweating. In all of my rush to find guys I failed to notice everything good about this place.  It's the BEST place to just people watch--crazies and families alike. We managed to get the last two LIVE crabs from this guy who was featured in LA magazine and we got his blessing to boil them :)  This sweet lovely woman at the cheese stand (yes, of COURSE i got cheese) gave us about a million samples of delicious cheese before finally choosing our favorites. There was this one guy who introduced me to my first beet dipped in lemon juice and paprika, and this awesome girl told me that the lemon actually brings out the sweetness in the beets! Everyone was so friendly and happy to share all of their fun foodie facts. OHHHH god there were these olives that I could have had SEX with. The sweet white corn was devoured by me and matt and meghann in about 2 seconds flat (ok, actually it was just me that devoured it so quickly, which matt had NO problem pointing out)  AND that strawberry lemonade was literally worth fighting wars over. 

Just to wrap up my day at the farmer's market, I have this one thing to say. Go! it is so much fun, such good cheap food, and really isn't it the possibility of what COULD happen that makes it all worth while? Here's hoping... (always with optimism) 

That's right it's wednesday!!!!!!

time for me to vent! i hate it when wednesday arrives at a PERFECT time because duh duh duh duh...... i'm still sick!!!! this only makes me more irritable and crabby than i already am in regular life. so i do apologize in advance for the things I'm about to say...

-I hate it when you have to go to the pharmacy. What should be a simple pick-up is never quite so simple for me. Maybe because I go to a large corporate CVS as opposed to a smaller mom and pop shop but come on...this is LA... CVS needs to just get their shit together. ok, to be fair, it's not so much the pharmacy as it is my pharmacy guy....Soon or Yi or something.  Ny! that's his name Ny! It's like his parents knew he would be worthless so they didn't even bother finishing his name!  Literally, this guy is so slow and special when it comes to the most SIMPLE instructions. It's like the two dumbest kids in your high school had a baby at the age of 16--so the baby is extra dumb and extra slow because his parents' brains weren't even fully developed yet and what they did already have was just pure dumbness!!! UGHH! it didn't help that I was finding it hard to keep my head up for more than 2 minutes at a time, but the fact that I went to all the trouble of having my doctor call in the prescription BEFOREHAND to eliminate all frustrations that i foresaw happening at my goddam pharmacy really pissed me off. When I got there our good friend Ny had trouble finding my prescription because the doctor apparently spelled my name Tania, not Tanya. i know REAL TOUGH stuff to figure out. Also, another perfect moment to add to my perfect life was the fact that I saw a really cute guy I hadn't seen in awhile, and i'm puffy and sniffling with no bra, granny panties, havn't showered in 4 days, and just all around disgusting. Which he had no problem pointing out when I said I'm sick, and he said 'yah me too...but you look much worse.' GREAT! THANK YOU! if Ny hadn't taken his sweet ass time trying to figure out the brain puzzler name game, this whole situation would never have happened!!! 

i need to find another pharmacy. 

-i hate it when people are at their jobs and they complain...TO YOU!  like yesterday when i went to go see the doctor, the nurse practitioner guy came in to do my check-up before I saw the actual doctor. And while he was taking my blood pressure he turns and looks at me and says, "you know Tanya, I am tired." okaaaayy, i mean what am i supposed to say to that??!!!! i am sick and weak and I need you to comfort ME and tell me it's going to be alright. he then goes on to say, AGAIN, "man, I am just so tired. It's been one of those days." yesssss Jorge I'm sure it has, but I would appreciate it if you could stay alert and awake while I'm telling you my symptoms, and especially when you are doing important procedures like BLOOD PRESSURE and taking my TEMPERATURE!!!!  sorry the baby your girlfriend decided to have has been keeping you up late and your night school classes at ITT Tech are exhausting you, but I really don't care at this point. i just need a check up!!! 

- i hate it when people COMPLAIN. PERIOD. so i'm finished complaining (for today at least) and I'm going to try to keep my next post a little more upbeat than you're used to reading and I'm used to writing. the funny thing is i really used to be this happy peppy person and i still am in my heart and all day around the people i love, but we all know how exhausting that can be so if i can't vent on my blog where can i vent? ok, maybe therapy, but i mean in writing..ok maybe a diary. but you know what? i like to write this stuff and i like people to read it, so there!!!  but i do need to spice things up a little with some happy uplifting meaningful stories or some shit. yah, i'll work on that. 

To Have or Not To Have

As i sit here on my couch sicker than a dog (and definitely hopped up on all kinds of sudafed, nyquil, and excedrin--probably NONE of which should be mixed) in my weakest and most vulnerable state I can't help but think, "god i wish i had a boyfriend." Also, rainy days do it for me too. ok, who am i kidding...i pretty much ALWAYS want a boyfriend. and for those of you reading this thinking, "oh poor thing, doesn't she know that it will happen when she least expects it?" or "she has to truly love herself before she can love another" yah you can allllll just FUCK OFF. nothing i havn't heard before, and of course i get it, i'm not an idiot. i know all of this in my head, but tell it to my heart! it won't let up, and it never has.  ask anyone who knew me, ever since i can remember, i wanted my first kiss and i wanted a boyfriend. So, in order to make myself feel better about my single girl status i'm going to make a list of the Pro's and Con's that come with having a boyfriend. 

PRO'S 

-if i had a boyfriend he would make me soup if i was sick (like in this case right now, where i literally want to KILL myself, sitting on my couch miserable, of course sweating, and watching terms of endearment)  

-a boyfriend takes you out to really nice steak dinners (it's not like single girls couldn't go out for steak, but we never do. and maybe because it's hard to justify a $50 meal, and when you're single you would rather spend that money on spanx or a slutty little dress so that you can eventually find a boyfriend that will probably buy you a nice steak dinner) 

-a boyfriend buys you flowers, chocolate, and jewelry. and sorry ladies, but if any of you try to tell me "buy yourself some flowers or chocolates" i'm going to have to shoot you in the face, because i HAVE bought myself flowers (on SEVERAL separate occasions) and it's just not the same. let's cut the shit, it's actually kinda pathetic. i mean i'll still do it but yah....pathetic. 

-a boyfriend takes you on trips! trips are the BEST with a boyfriend. and as fun as it would be to go on a trip with your single girlfriends it NEVER HAPPENS. sure you talk about it, and even come close to planning the trip but it's just too hard to get everyone together at the same time, and convince everyone to take off work and spend that kind of money. *plus, with a boyfriend sex is a guarantee :) 

- NO MORE BAD DATES!!!! enough said. 

-when you have a boyfriend other guys actually find you MORE attractive because you are unattainable. FACT ladies and gays, FACT. 

-lastly, having a boyfriend gives you that "i'm in love glow" (although we can chalk that up to a con, because you can get that same glow with a facial or a vibrator) TRUST! 

CONS (my favorite part)

-no more first kisses.  COME ON!!!!! first kisses are the BEST.

-no more butterflies waiting for him to call (although this could be a pro, considering they NEVER CALL) 

-no more one night stands (we can all do without these. I should know. let's be honest here, i think in my lifetime i've maybe had a handful of really hot and really worth it one-nighters. most of the time you just feel bad about yourself, and get up and out of there early enough to reward yourself with McDonald's breakfast) 

-your single girlfriends will hate you (ok, hate is a strong word, but they will be jealous and bitter that you now spend all your free time with your new boyfriend and not them. also, 95% of a single girl's conversation is about boys and being single-none of which you can relate to anymore. and if you try to relate, they actually get more angry with you, because you can't understand-you now have a boyfriend!) 

-for the first few months that you have a boyfriend, you pretty much have to hide all of your flaws and imperfections and basically be "on" for the entire time you're with him. this can be exhausting. 

-you can't have the bed all to yourself anymore. this is a big one for me, because i LOVE my side of the bed. i mean i SPRAWL out, legs everywhere, arms all over. i use four pillows at a time.

-if i had a boyfriend 'sex and the city' and all of those girly movies or books just wouldn't be the same anymore. Joni mitchell and alanis morisette wouldn't speak to me the way they do now. 

so yah, let's face it, life is probably better with a boyfriend. dammit. but that's ok, because i am willing to see the good in my situation for now, and enjoy all of the things that i can do as a single girl. But secretly i do hope that someday i find a man who i would be happy to share my side of the bed with :) 

Dating in the Not So Dark

By now I'm sure we are alllll aware (even though i'm ashamed to admit) that I was on a reality dating show. Yup, that's right LAUGH it up...get it all out before we continue. for those skeptics out there thinking i did this to "further my career" are SORELY wrong --if anything it stopped it dead in it's tracks and murdered the shit out of it...not that there was anything there to begin with. BUT to my credit I really did it for the right reasons...i was hoping to find love. I mean i was just checking my email one day and there's this anonymous message (spam and mass mail i'm sure) with the title LOOKING FOR LOVE? (yes, how did they KNOW!) and inside the message were big bold questions... are you single? (Yes) do you live in LA (YES!) are you between the ages of 20-27 (Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!) I love how those are the qualifications---yahh that really narrows it down. The only reason I was even on the show was probably the fact that i was one of five girls who actually applied to this fucking miserable excuse for a show. In my defense I really was thinking oooohhhh ABC, wow, bachelor guys with good looks and charm and money. yahhhh that wasn't so much the case. and by so much i mean NOT AT ALL.

Behind door number one....it's Dion! (yup dion) a loud talker, obnoxious, arrogant (and not the sexy arrogant) "Hi, im dion and i drive a lexus" kind of guy. Malek (yes malek) a sweet guy who barely speaks english and is kind of shy and quiet. And Leo (again, yes, Leo) a nebbish little jew who didn't have the wit or humor of woody allen for it to be even remotely cute. THESE ARE MY OPTIONS PEOPLE! and trust me, I'm not saying i'm some prize but really? come on...

Cut to after the show aired (because honestly I could not even tell you what happened on the show because I had to be black-out intoxicated before I even considered watching it with my girlfriends) **but i was told there were some memorable gems that I can take away from this. The first phone message I received was from a friend in NYC (because he had the fortune of seeing it three hours before me) his message went something like this.."oh my god so funny im dying i cant believe you're on this show, waaait is that your tag? are you wearing your dress backwards??" PANIC. sadness. REGRET. horror. embarrassment. Also, I received several messages on my facebook quoting my one memorable line (which I agree is pretty fucking awesome) After finding condoms in a young man's car cup holders I proceed to say, "I mean I don't have condoms in my cup holders, but i like to have a good time"

Now we move on to the saddest part of my entire experience...being the idiot that I am, and my boredom at work, led me to 'surf the web' as they say looking up blogs and things all about my episode of Dating in the Dark. There were two. And one was a link that brought me to an interview that the host of the show was doing on some boot-leg, busted, below d-level red carpet event. Here is what the host had to say.... literally i am quoting feel free to look at the clip on you tube (i tried to post the link but it's temporarily down, just type"Rossi Moreale talks about Dating in the Dark) It starts up around the 1:27 mark. When the reporter asked him what the biggest shock was from the past season? He had this to say, begin quote... "When the bigger red head girl turned down Malek. She was bigger than what he was used to dating. He was the better looking one. It was interesting to see that even the 'not so attractive' girl still turned this guy down." END QUOTE.

"BIGGER red head girl" "Not as attractive girl" "Not the better looking one." These are just a few of the words used to describe me. AWESOME!! WHO WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES??!! I DO!! thank god i have enough confidence to get through that ordeal and realize yes, i may be "bigger" than that scrawny little pipsqueek of an italian...but i like to drink and eat and play and laugh and if that makes me lose out on such "winners" like Malek--- so be it. Hey, i've always got jack, jose, the captain, and jim beam to keep me warm at night.

i hate it when wednesdays....

taking a cue from Big Boy in the morning on Power 106 (since I'm literally almost as big as he was, BEFORE he had his gastric bypass surgery)  I'm going to take this opportunity to bitch and complain about the things that people do that i hate ...

i hate it when that one guy at the Bank of America on Sunset and Vine always walks up to me EVERY wednesday when i go to deposit my check and asks me if i would like to use the ATM to make my deposit today. And EVERY wednesday I tell him, "no thank you."  Finally after the 5th time he approached me I screamed and threw up my hands saying "NO!!!  I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO A PERSON!!!!! yah he doesn't bother me anymore. 

i hate it when people snuggle and cuddle and kiss with their boyfriends in FRONT of you!!!! i'm sure this stems from my bitterness but even when i did have a boyfriend (eons ago when man first invented fire) i still was severely grossed out by PDA. it's beyond nauseating, and really makes for an awkward night out, or night in. No matter how cool you are or how hard you try to keep the conversation going smoothly you can't help but feel like the 3rd wheel. Honestly this is the WORST! ok no, the worst is when a guy talks like a baby to his girlfriend in front of you. THAT is the worst!  keep it behind closed doors people! 

i hate it when people write on their facebook status updates... "Tanya Schwied- is grateful"   it's like, THANKS! we get it. it's fantastic that you are grateful for your fabulous life, but some of us just had our cars break down for the third time this week, and we had to walk to the side of the freeway in the rain as people are rolling down their windows screaming "dumb bitch"  at you, and some of us had to look at our bank statements only to find out that we had overcharge fees for a $160 meal at a sushi place called Sumo Japanese in BURBANK, when our debit card was in our wallet the whole time!!!!  i do not need to hear that you are grateful for your life AT ALL at this point.  they have yoga classes and churches for that kind of thing. 

i hate it when people say "ohhh... you look tired."  I mean you might as well just say I look ugly! and thanks, maybe i am tired but I DO have a mirror and chances are I AM aware of how i look, and if it ain't good PROBABLY JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! 

 

i have a MAJOR face sweating problem

so the other night i was walking with some girlfriends from their apartment to a bar (maybe a total of three blocks) and whenever i get nervous, or i have my first drink of the night, or i exert the ever so smallest amount of energy-- my face just goes on extreme overload and i start pouring sweat ...DRI-PPING beads of sweat! ***this is a MAJOR problem for me considering that i spend a good portion of my life getting nervous and/or drinking (not so much the exerting of the energy but you catch my drift...) 

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING! i really wish i was, but you can ask anyone who knows me...it's bad! i remember i was getting ready to go on a first date with this guy and I was so nervous and my mom and her friends were all gathered around the kitchen table while i had one woman holding a bag of peas on the back of my neck, a bag of frozen berries in between my legs, and i was standing in front of the freezer right up until he came to pick me up. 

people literally will approach me and say things like, "ohhh you are sweating really bad! "  "are you ok? what's wrong with you?" or my personal favorite, "why are you sweating?"   WHYYY am i sweating? oh, i don't know i just LOVE how half of my make-up runs down my face and i have to literally use an entire box of toilet seat covers to blot my face in the bathroom for half an hour before i'm able to even LOOK at another person, only to take a quick glance in the mirror and notice that i have pieces of napkin stuck to my face from when i was wiping it down earlier, and my FAVORITE thing is when i'm talking to a guy i kind of like and i am sweating, then thinking about my sweating which causes me to stress and sweat even more. It's right up there with smoking a cigarette and talking to a guy then blowing the smoke right in your eye, causing tears to well up making you look like the biggest dork for actually trying to look cool while smoking. But even that fiasco is WAY better then sweating...you can actually laugh with the guy about what a dork you are.  you CANNOT laugh about being a sweaty beast. NOT cute. 

i've tried everything!  I've purchased oil absorbent lotion that i apply daily, i have those portable oil blotting sheets, i've even come up with casual ways to swipe my hand across my sweaty face. you know ... i'm laughing and i just happen to put my hand to my forehead trying desperately to play a game of "mop up the sweat on your face tanya! you disgusting sweaty bitch!"  good god it is really putting a damper on things. maybe i'll get some of those shots that whitney houston had injected in her face to help with her sweating.  maybe. 

all we really want is to be kissed on the forehead

 i literally feel like carrie fucking bradshaw right now--  minus the incredible apartment, huge walk-in closet filled with manolos and gucci, the endless list of perfect boyfriends, best job in the world writing about SEX, and having semi-fame and credibilty in NYC)  ok so pretty much i just feel like her because I'm typing on a laptop with a concerned, questioning face. But, hey, a girl can pretend...

so these are just some of my thoughts on the whole 'single girl situation' 

We all want the same thing--that great guy with the perfect sense of humor, someone who is sensitive, cute, sweet, smart, and caring. but WHERE IS HE?? Where is my kiss on the forehead?  I am SKIN STARVED (copyright Ambir Sniezko, that sexy bitch)  and when i say i have been getting out there i mean it is literally like when the speaker asked charlotte (in sex and the city) if she is REALLY out there and carrie responds with, "no... SHE'S out there!" I mean that is me!!!! everyday stepping out of my apartment with an open heart and an open mind (even if that means settling, i mean i'm kidding, but not really) My mom always said be patient and be picky. But when does picky become limiting and closed off? It's funny because normally this would be the part in the episode where the main character finds the information out in a cute fun way with a new guy just swooping in and solving all of our heroine's troubles. Ok, well i'm ready to be swooped. SERIOUSLY go ahead and swoop! anytime now!  but until then i will just question and long for that kind of romance.  Pathetic. 

And one more thing, i'm sorry but that's never true when someone says "oh i'm perfectly happy alone, i've got an apt a great job, blah blah"   No you're not happy! I mean you might be ok, but it's like cake without the frosting, bacon with no eggs (ok that would still be good) or wine without CHEESE!!!!  Life is still good, but it would be great to share that with someone, ya know?  I hope one of these days I'm reading back over these blogs and I'm deliriously happy with my sexy stud husband, with my two little daughters running around me, while I'm clinking my glass shouting  "girls mommy needs more wine!"  Then i will look back reading these blogs LONGING for that single girl freedom, that chance to get up and go where i want when i want at the drop of a pin. So for now i guess all i can do is enjoy it. live it up while i can. sleep around. get drunk with my girlfriends. and splurge on things just for me (candles and perfume!)  

the lowest of the low

Conversation over BBM ....

Dani: Yah miserable, light headed, weight watchers blows! 

Tanya: I know!!!  I got really drunk on Saturday and normally I would have had McDonald's, but I'm trying to eat healthy so obviously I woke up with a MASSIVE hangover.  Woke up at 9:30 in the morning,  smoked a bowl, watched Chronicles of Narnia for 5 minutes, masturbated, and fell back asleep 'til 1pm. 

Tanya: pretty exciting and fulfilling life. 

Am I really doing this??

There have been far too many times that I said I would start my own blog. My personal favorite excuse is "I will start on Monday" (much like my diet). But today is the day that I am finally starting something and following through with it!  Wish I could say the same for the whole diet thing...but those of you who know me and those of you who don't will learn quickly that it is only a matter of time before I need a stiff drink (or 8) which will eventually lead me to the Jack in the Box drive thru where i will devour a cheeseburger (or 8) at 3AM. God i'm disgusting. 

This blog will basically be centered around my favorite thing... me! *but I PROMISE you it will be nothing like all of those ridiculously annoyingly 'refreshing 20-something girls' who have their shit together with their perfect boyfriend, perfect careers, perfect families, and their perfect bodies. Yup, it's definitely safe to say I have NONE of the above. Hooray! Oh yah, that's the other thing...a big portion of this whole blog thing will be me bitching and complaining (my sister thought the title of the blog should be 'bitchin' in the kitchen' --because i bitch and eat--yah i know REAL supportive) but I actually want to put a funny spin on things and make all of you laugh at how bad things can get but remember to put it all in perspective and laugh at yourself (or just laugh at me) because life is short and you've got to live it up while you can.  I dedicate this blog to my mom who always said fun was her middle name. To fun!