Now what?!

Me: I think I'm depressed.
My Therapist: I think you are too.

(Wait what? That wasn't what you were supposed to say. I thought maybe you could humor me and tell me that this is all perfectly normal and this is just a phase and things are going to start to take off for me soon and in the meantime i don't have to do any work or motivate myself to do anything different than what I'm doing (or not doing) at the moment. Dammit. So what you're saying is it's me? I'm the only one who can help myself)

Me: Do i need a pill? Can I take a pill?
My therapist: No you cannot take a pill! Just get back to being you.

(Motherfuck. What does that even mean? Back to being me? I'm a mess-we've already established this. Ohhhhh I see...what you're trying to tell me is be the best version of "me"-- the motivated go-getter who would stop at nothing to get what she wants. But I'm tired. Ugh. Think about handicapped people or poor people or single mothers or volunteers in the peace corps building rafts or something. Are they tired? Yes. But they keep going. Why am i even tired? what did I do today? Watch 7 hours of Breaking Bad. Pathetic.)

Just reading this over makes me exhausted. I lack the motivation to barely finish this sentence let alone an entire blog post. WHYYYY???!!! Is it the summer heat that makes me want to throw my hands up and just say fuck it and have a drink? Is it beceause I'm having a quarter life crisis a little late at the age of 27 and re-evaluating my entire goddam existence? Am I already trying to forget about my troubles and disappear into those of our favorite Bravo TV characters? (Mary McDonald being my new personal fav) No, No, No! I'm too young to be doing that...I have to at least wait until I have a child before I can forget my life and live vicariously through someone else's.

Recently I've come to the decision that I no longer want to be an actor anymore. I know..i know...but really this is a good thing. I've thought long and hard about it and here are a few things I know I want.... I want to create, write, live passionately, love hard, feel, learn, laugh, and drink. Is that too much to ask? The "business" part of it all started to wear on me...and eventually wore me out. I had to go back to the core of why I even got into this business in the first place. I wanted to meet new people and learn new things and I was always good at it. The talent part came easy to me. What was not so easy is the constant hussle, the selling yourself, the cuthroat nature of it all, the marketing yourself, the rejection, and the narcissists you meet along the way (allll of which I know are in any profession but magnified by a 1000% in the town of Hollywood-and brentwood and santa monica)

An acting teacher of mine always told me "If you can do anything else in this world and be happy then fucking do it and get out now-it's tough" and in my mind I always used to think "oh well that's me-i simply cannot do anything else" ...but the moment I started to tell myself and others out loud that I think i can be happy trying other things it started to just come out naturally and I started to feel good- like i was making the right decision. (or that I'm not and will try something new for awhile and fail miserably-but either way I will be failing BIG!- and I'll never have to think what if?)

The question that everyone asks themselves at one point or another seems to be the same no matter what field you're in..."can I do something I love and still make enough money to live comfortably" That's what I plan to find out. I want to get up and have meaning to my life. A real true purpose. I am starting to open my mind up to other possibilities. Real concrete possibilities that I can make happen for myself. Maybe an English teacher? Or even a therapist? As terrifying as all of this sounds it's strangely freeing in a weird way. I can really picture my life differently- my idea of happiness is the stuff that's in between a "work" day (the conversations and laughs shared with co-workers, the vacations and road trips and nights out with friends, the messy and ridiculously wonderful relationships with my family, and then eventually sharing all of it with someone who is just awesome and funny and he and I can continue sharing all of this with our very own family one day)

But for now, while I'm figuring out my life in this moment of transition, my sister Hayley told me to remember the simple things that I do have, and be grateful for them and say them out loud. Since I'm ususally coming at things from a bitter point of view and whenever anyone writes "I'm grateful" or "blessed" as their status update it usually makes me want to puke I'll spare you all the details. But know that I'm saying those things aloud and it's helping.

Now if I can only figure out what the fuck it is I want to do with my life. I'll keep you posted :)