To Have or Not To Have

As i sit here on my couch sicker than a dog (and definitely hopped up on all kinds of sudafed, nyquil, and excedrin--probably NONE of which should be mixed) in my weakest and most vulnerable state I can't help but think, "god i wish i had a boyfriend." Also, rainy days do it for me too. ok, who am i kidding...i pretty much ALWAYS want a boyfriend. and for those of you reading this thinking, "oh poor thing, doesn't she know that it will happen when she least expects it?" or "she has to truly love herself before she can love another" yah you can allllll just FUCK OFF. nothing i havn't heard before, and of course i get it, i'm not an idiot. i know all of this in my head, but tell it to my heart! it won't let up, and it never has.  ask anyone who knew me, ever since i can remember, i wanted my first kiss and i wanted a boyfriend. So, in order to make myself feel better about my single girl status i'm going to make a list of the Pro's and Con's that come with having a boyfriend. 

PRO'S 

-if i had a boyfriend he would make me soup if i was sick (like in this case right now, where i literally want to KILL myself, sitting on my couch miserable, of course sweating, and watching terms of endearment)  

-a boyfriend takes you out to really nice steak dinners (it's not like single girls couldn't go out for steak, but we never do. and maybe because it's hard to justify a $50 meal, and when you're single you would rather spend that money on spanx or a slutty little dress so that you can eventually find a boyfriend that will probably buy you a nice steak dinner) 

-a boyfriend buys you flowers, chocolate, and jewelry. and sorry ladies, but if any of you try to tell me "buy yourself some flowers or chocolates" i'm going to have to shoot you in the face, because i HAVE bought myself flowers (on SEVERAL separate occasions) and it's just not the same. let's cut the shit, it's actually kinda pathetic. i mean i'll still do it but yah....pathetic. 

-a boyfriend takes you on trips! trips are the BEST with a boyfriend. and as fun as it would be to go on a trip with your single girlfriends it NEVER HAPPENS. sure you talk about it, and even come close to planning the trip but it's just too hard to get everyone together at the same time, and convince everyone to take off work and spend that kind of money. *plus, with a boyfriend sex is a guarantee :) 

- NO MORE BAD DATES!!!! enough said. 

-when you have a boyfriend other guys actually find you MORE attractive because you are unattainable. FACT ladies and gays, FACT. 

-lastly, having a boyfriend gives you that "i'm in love glow" (although we can chalk that up to a con, because you can get that same glow with a facial or a vibrator) TRUST! 

CONS (my favorite part)

-no more first kisses.  COME ON!!!!! first kisses are the BEST.

-no more butterflies waiting for him to call (although this could be a pro, considering they NEVER CALL) 

-no more one night stands (we can all do without these. I should know. let's be honest here, i think in my lifetime i've maybe had a handful of really hot and really worth it one-nighters. most of the time you just feel bad about yourself, and get up and out of there early enough to reward yourself with McDonald's breakfast) 

-your single girlfriends will hate you (ok, hate is a strong word, but they will be jealous and bitter that you now spend all your free time with your new boyfriend and not them. also, 95% of a single girl's conversation is about boys and being single-none of which you can relate to anymore. and if you try to relate, they actually get more angry with you, because you can't understand-you now have a boyfriend!) 

-for the first few months that you have a boyfriend, you pretty much have to hide all of your flaws and imperfections and basically be "on" for the entire time you're with him. this can be exhausting. 

-you can't have the bed all to yourself anymore. this is a big one for me, because i LOVE my side of the bed. i mean i SPRAWL out, legs everywhere, arms all over. i use four pillows at a time.

-if i had a boyfriend 'sex and the city' and all of those girly movies or books just wouldn't be the same anymore. Joni mitchell and alanis morisette wouldn't speak to me the way they do now. 

so yah, let's face it, life is probably better with a boyfriend. dammit. but that's ok, because i am willing to see the good in my situation for now, and enjoy all of the things that i can do as a single girl. But secretly i do hope that someday i find a man who i would be happy to share my side of the bed with :)