Exes CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be friends.

If anyone ever tells you different they're lying to you. I mean, ok, I get it... MAYBE if things ended mutually- which i'm sorry when in god's name does that EVER happen, or I guess if it wasn't that much of a really "invested" relationship that maybe you could salvage some sort of "friendly" feelings towards the person. But really what's the point of struggling to feel a little bit of friendship-y feelings...frankly it sounds like a lot of work, AND if you weren't really that invested in the first place why would you want to waste your energy drumming up some fake friendship feelings for some guy you hardly had an interest in to begin with. Maybe that's just me. But if anyone has ever broken up with you (quite possibly the GREATEST feeling in the world) then I am going to strongly advise you (and myself over and over again in my head) that it is NEVER a good idea to hang out with your Ex. Old memories and old feelings start to come back to you (not to him) and you (meaning me) tend to get all dough-eyed and revert back to that dumb (ok, naive) 16 year old girl again. In my defense, I would like to point out that when you are THAT young it's kind of impossible not to get caught up in it all. Your heart is wide open, your guard is way WAY down and you don't think anything bad could ever happen to you. And i know maybe from this blog it's easy to think that i'm this bitter cold-hearted bitch (most of which is true) but really i was and still am a romantic, first and foremost. Sweep me off my feet with funny, witty banter and it's all over for me-- I melt. If there's even a glimpse of a spark i'm SOLD, and then it's all sort of a snowball effect...pretty soon I am picturing our lives together (the guy in his Kiss the Cook apron at the grill, me bringing him ice cold lemonade--pre made obviously-- and our two kids running around in sprinklers or some shit) This is what I go through EVERY TIME there's even a hint of something there. And i know, to my good friends, it may seem like this happens to me all the time, but really these feelings are a very rare occurrence. That allusive untouchable "thing" that is, in fact, chemistry or a spark is VERY few and far between. So when it happens I am squealing, jumping on my bed, ear to ear smile, just BEAMING. I always tell people (and by people, i mean my therapist) that i experience these really high highs and very low lows. Sure it keeps things interesting but there are a lot of emotions going on...it's actually quite exhausting. Sometimes i almost wish i was that girl that could just find someone simple and sweet who would love me endlessly. But i am just NOT that girl. At least not right now. Even though i know in my head what is right and what is wrong, what is safe and what is stupid, I keep repeating the same mistakes. I worry that i will go down the road my mother went through falling for some sarcastic asshole bullshitter before she finally settled down with the adoring, dependable guy who is now my good ol' dad.  

Speaking of sarcastic asshole bullshitters....let's get back to the subject at hand.... my Ex. This past Thanksgiving weekend which- let me tell you- was a real shit show around the Schwied house. My god, aren't families fucked up. I mean in the sense that EVERYONE'S family (mine probably on a whole 'nother level) is in one way or another REALLY dysfunctional. My mom used to say we put the 'fun' in dysfunctional. I almost think it's better and things get much easier when you can just admit that you are all totally out of your minds, that families are supposed to be crazy and insane. You can completely let your guard down and say exactly what you want to say. Even after all of that they STILL have to love and accept you. And surprisingly, THEY DO! i know that i'm kinda lucky in that sense.  But let's get serious, that's not to say there were not BUCKETS of tears (mostly mine) rude little snippy comments and loud fights every ten minutes. So yah, you understand my predicament. That (among other things) was why I decided it was time to get out of the house for a night. 

Cut to my good friend and I deciding to go out for a lovely little dinner. Champagne cocktails, mouth-watering appetizers...what could go wrong? Well, I'll tell ya.... your Ex showing up. That'll put a cherry on your sundae! The funny thing is it started out really great. (this is in my mind obviously, the tension at the actual table was palpable, and our friends were FOR SURE weirded out by the whole situation)  But back to things as they played out in my head.... He (who shall remain nameless) and I enjoying a fabulous trip down memory lane ... Him:  "remember that time in Amsterdam" Me: in reality " Oh yah, so fun"  (only the best time of my LIFE and something i will never get over, oh but then i came back weeks later only to find you had found someone else) Him : "remember when we got high in the sauna and went to go see that incredible comedy show, and we went and had the best dinner ever at Mr. Chows"  ME: "oh my god yes! Remember the shrimp?!! Yum! " (only a minor detail--but that night is what i now base all of my dates on, and nobody will ever meet those expectations because they probably weren't real and were in my head again as something incredible and special)   This continues for an uncomfortably long period of time. And by now I've had at least 5 cocktails, and I'm feeling like a million bucks!  I even get a bbm from my friend at the table, "how's rekindling the flame?"  ***He even at one point pulled out his phone and showed us all a text from an Ex of his that said something about how she "will never live up to, and will never be on par with Tanya."  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK FROM THIS!!!!!???? I mean come on, i'm a smart girl, I don't just put my feelings out there when i don't think that the feeling is mutual.  These thoughts start to come over me and lead me directly to the next chapter of this miserable tale. He asks me to go with him in his car to our next destination, another bar. We are driving, and talking, and he is explaining to me all of the things he is going to do.... the big plans he has..... and I'm overwhelmed with pride. I finally just blurt out the thing we are NEVER supposed to ask...... get ready for it..... you know what's coming.... i'm cringing even writing this.... "Why didn't things work out between us? What was it that I did?"  Yup. me of allllll people said this pathetic, embarrassing thing that everyone tells you never to say. But the crowning jewel of the entire evening was what happened next..... He said, and I quote...."Tanya, you are like a really good cheeseburger from In-N-Out. You're great, and delicious, but I just got sick of having cheeseburgers everyday"   That's right ladies and gentleman!!!!! hence, the photo. And the really sad thing is, now i never want to eat another cheeseburger for the rest of my life. And I LOVE cheeseburgers. Damn you, Ex of mine, for ruining yet another good thing in my life...In-N-Out. Bastard. It's one thing to permanently mess me up in my head, or give me false hope sometimes, or make me jaded for the rest of my existence, but it is QUITE another to start messing with my love of fast food and cheeseburgers. But hey, maybe he can just compare me to a big bag of potato chips, or a pint of ben and jerry's then I'll be the skinniest bitch this side of West Hollywood's ever seen! 

Now I don't want you leaving after reading this post thinking I'm even more bitter and depressed now (which i'm sure that's what it looks like from the above post) but the truth is I was glad to hear it put in such a brutally honest way. I was too much of a good thing. He couldn't handle a strong, confident, funny, caring, loving, supportive woman at his side. And ya know what? I loved every minute of our time together, but I want someone else. Someone who is going to WANT to have cheeseburgers everyday, and never get sick of a good thing, someone who will always and forever cherish the cheeseburger, love the cheeseburger whole heartedly. And I know he's out there, somewhere. I just know it.