When Fantasies Go Wrong...

No, not those fantasies...although given the contents of this blog i wouldn't put it past me, and while i can impart some knowledge in that department (two words: cool whip,TRUST ME) I'm referring to the kind of fantasies we as women dream up in our heads about the man (or men) we are going to end up with one day. i am willing to admit that i, too, like so many girls before me and probably after me load piles upon piles of expectations onto any guy i meet and if there are no sparks, butterflies, fireworks or passion then I completely write them off. NEXT!! I always thought I would just know when it was right, you know... have that gut feeling. So far, the only "gut feelings" i've been having lately are probably just cramps or a severe craving for ben and jerry's. I think at some point growing up either our moms might have told us "you'll just know honey" or we watch waaaayyy too many romantic comedies and read too many love stories about instant attraction, love at first sight, blah blah.... I'm not saying this will never be an option for me or any of you...i'm just actually trying to spin it and tell myself that there are other ways to fall in love. it could happen over time. actually falling takes time right?? ... it could be a gradual, slow fall..like down a big hole or something. ok, that sounds awful...it could be like the falling that is in the opening of the HBO hit series Big Love... and i'm wearing one of those gorgeous flowing dresses and my hair is flowing as i'm falling deeper in love, but it's all in slow motion! I never really thought that this would be the way I meet my man, but now that i know the other possibilities i cant help but think that i'm missing out on something, or i should have looked at some of my past men (even tho they're few and far between) differently.
After reading this INCREDIBLE book called Marry Him: The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb, I was flooded with thoughts and feelings about every guy i've ever met! She is basically saying that when you are looking for a man to love and spend the rest of your life with, you need to focus on things like is he reliable and loyal? will he be a good father? a good partner? NOT the initial sparks and witty banter that i am so obsessed with finding right now. there is no better rush/high in the world then flirting with a guy and there's that underlying passion and the excitement you get when you're waiting for him to call and you tell all your girlfriends every obnoxious detail! but, one small problem... how have all of those men with the initial sparks worked out for me? oh that's right, i'm still single! as i was reading this book last night on a plane on valentine's day (i know, depressing) i felt like Nicholas Cage being slapped across the face by Cher and she was screaming "SNAP OUT OF IT!" what lori is saying is that the butterflies/fireworks guys are (generally) the smooth talkers, the assholes, the selfish ones, the unreliable ones, commitment phobes, etc. And we girls are so fucked up because we SAY we want a nice guy but really what we want is a nice asshole, someone who is stable yet spontaneous, sensitive but not a wuss, etc. WE WANT IT ALL! i like to think that there is a guy out there for me who encompasses everything, he does have it all....but how can i be sure? and keep in mind this woman Lori, the author, is now 42 single and was artificially inseminated to have her little boy. Now is that my greatest nightmare realized?? YES! will i settle? NO! what she suggests is that we "broaden our fantasies" and i like that idea....because while humor is ESSENTIAL for me, i can compromise on baldness or a flabby tummy (which eventually happens to them all anyways). We have to figure out what our wants are versus our needs. So, in an effort to be totally honest and put myself and these words out into the universe hoping they will come back to me (preferrably in the body of Aidan Quinn via Practical Magic, with some cactus-shaped pancakes too!)
WANTS - kind, sensitive, funny (like really funny, pee my pants funny), smart, adores me, loves my sisters and my dad, cute, kind eyes, witty, confident (but not cocky), great smile, supportive, comes from a great family, passionate, ambitious, spontaneous, loves to dance at weddings, opens the door for me, sends me flowers, takes me on trips, cooks an amazing breakfast, loves lounging in pjs watching tv with me, my therapist must approve, makes me laugh so hard 'til my stomach hurts! Now i ask you...does that seem unreasonable? the answer is YES, it is. i just described the perfect man. i wish for all of us, myself included, that we find our perfect man...but let's face it... No one is perfect, I'M not perfect!!! So we now have to consider the possibility that there is a man out there who is perfect FOR ME...he might not have all the qualities i listed above, but he has everything i NEED. now we get into my needs...where do i begin? but seriously, here we go....
NEEDS- funny, smart, kind, loyal. Yup, that's it! it's like downsizing your home, or giving away all those clothes in your closet that you never wore. this is so much easier. It's freeing actually, and has made me look at all my potential suitors much differently. It's like good lighting and make-up for men. i've actually raised my odds. Now that i know my needs vs wants i can get back out to bat! i just opened up my possibilities for love. this IS possible. now it doesn't feel like an endless search, with no happy ending. THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stay tuned...