By now I'm sure we are alllll aware (even though i'm ashamed to admit) that I was on a reality dating show. Yup, that's right LAUGH it up...get it all out before we continue. for those skeptics out there thinking i did this to "further my career" are SORELY wrong --if anything it stopped it dead in it's tracks and murdered the shit out of it...not that there was anything there to begin with. BUT to my credit I really did it for the right reasons...i was hoping to find love. I mean i was just checking my email one day and there's this anonymous message (spam and mass mail i'm sure) with the title LOOKING FOR LOVE? (yes, how did they KNOW!) and inside the message were big bold questions... are you single? (Yes) do you live in LA (YES!) are you between the ages of 20-27 (Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!) I love how those are the qualifications---yahh that really narrows it down. The only reason I was even on the show was probably the fact that i was one of five girls who actually applied to this fucking miserable excuse for a show. In my defense I really was thinking oooohhhh ABC, wow, bachelor guys with good looks and charm and money. yahhhh that wasn't so much the case. and by so much i mean NOT AT ALL.
Behind door number one....it's Dion! (yup dion) a loud talker, obnoxious, arrogant (and not the sexy arrogant) "Hi, im dion and i drive a lexus" kind of guy. Malek (yes malek) a sweet guy who barely speaks english and is kind of shy and quiet. And Leo (again, yes, Leo) a nebbish little jew who didn't have the wit or humor of woody allen for it to be even remotely cute. THESE ARE MY OPTIONS PEOPLE! and trust me, I'm not saying i'm some prize but really? come on...
Cut to after the show aired (because honestly I could not even tell you what happened on the show because I had to be black-out intoxicated before I even considered watching it with my girlfriends) **but i was told there were some memorable gems that I can take away from this. The first phone message I received was from a friend in NYC (because he had the fortune of seeing it three hours before me) his message went something like this.."oh my god so funny im dying i cant believe you're on this show, waaait is that your tag? are you wearing your dress backwards??" PANIC. sadness. REGRET. horror. embarrassment. Also, I received several messages on my facebook quoting my one memorable line (which I agree is pretty fucking awesome) After finding condoms in a young man's car cup holders I proceed to say, "I mean I don't have condoms in my cup holders, but i like to have a good time"
Now we move on to the saddest part of my entire experience...being the idiot that I am, and my boredom at work, led me to 'surf the web' as they say looking up blogs and things all about my episode of Dating in the Dark. There were two. And one was a link that brought me to an interview that the host of the show was doing on some boot-leg, busted, below d-level red carpet event. Here is what the host had to say.... literally i am quoting feel free to look at the clip on you tube (i tried to post the link but it's temporarily down, just type"Rossi Moreale talks about Dating in the Dark) It starts up around the 1:27 mark. When the reporter asked him what the biggest shock was from the past season? He had this to say, begin quote... "When the bigger red head girl turned down Malek. She was bigger than what he was used to dating. He was the better looking one. It was interesting to see that even the 'not so attractive' girl still turned this guy down." END QUOTE.
"BIGGER red head girl" "Not as attractive girl" "Not the better looking one." These are just a few of the words used to describe me. AWESOME!! WHO WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES??!! I DO!! thank god i have enough confidence to get through that ordeal and realize yes, i may be "bigger" than that scrawny little pipsqueek of an italian...but i like to drink and eat and play and laugh and if that makes me lose out on such "winners" like Malek--- so be it. Hey, i've always got jack, jose, the captain, and jim beam to keep me warm at night.
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dear tanya: i didn't know it was possible to be more obsessed with you, but oh look. i am.
ReplyDeletelove,
rachel
OMG when I was watching the show, all I could think about the host was A) he was jealous of you girls because you have what he has always wanted - a vagina - and B) he literally makes Jon Gosselin, Ed Hardy and all, look like a normal, stand-up male on the scale of Douchiness. Seriously. So there!
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU!