breaking up is hard to do...

we've allllll been there. the lows, the really low lows, the shame, the rebounds, the self-reflecting, the tears, the anger, the endless complaining after a bottle (s) of wine with your gal pals, etc. The best are those books. GOOD LORD some of them are just terrrrible. here's a story for you-- i went to barnes and noble one day when i was feeling especially low and casually perused the self-help aisle, after a little while i was at the check-out and put down 'Room for Love' 'It's called a break-up because it's broken' 'The Between Boyfriend's Book' and a journal/diary with hearts and pink bows all over it, the cashier looked down at the books then up at me and said " Don't worry things will get better" It is her sweet optimism mixed with my (temporary) bitterness that brings me to my next blog. What to do immediately following a break-up. In my opinion you need to SPELL IT OUT for me...tell me exactly what i need to do. i couldn't deal with a therapist saying something like "well, what do you think you should do?" no no... that won't work. because i know what i think i should do as well as what i want to do, and until someone tells me exactly what the right thing is i'll just worry about what i should be doing, and we could've saved a lot of time if you just TOLD me what to do in the first place. So here goes, NOT that i'm an expert in any way shape or form, as i still catch myself pining for my first love which was like a catrillion years ago..but take this advice with a grain of salt (add some margarita mix and a few shots of tequila while you're at it) here goes...



1) first thing to do. cancel all events.... school, work, what have you. you're sick! you have food poisening, make it up! get in some really comfy pjs and just lounge around aimlessly. make sure you have plenty of groceries as you will be hibernating for approximately 3-5 days. This is the alotted time for your gross, disgusting, no shower, not leaving the couch, eating sara lee desserts for one time. Enjoy these moments lose yourself in mindless television and oprah winfrey topics. After 3-5 days of this you will want to leave the house, you will go nuts if you don't. SO GET UP!



2) go to the gym. TRUST ME i am the last person to be telling you this, i am one of those unfortunate few who eats when i get depressed, but i do know that when you finally get up and go you feel better. AND you now have direct motivation to get in shape so when you do see your Ex out and about with some trampy, skinny, bouncy blonde you can feel good (at least about the way you look) and then you can plot her death later.... I wish i could tell you i actually did all of this, but it never happened... everytime i did see him i was looking like shit, and probably sweating, but i'm still holding out for the day i will run into him looking effortlessly gorgeous and thin with my hilarious amazing new boyfriend (yah, we may be waiting a lonnnng time)



3) take a sexy dance class like strip cardio, or pole dancing. these are the BEST inventions of all time. i remember in New York i had a gay black sassy teacher named Carl who used to make us strip and he would scream at us.... RECLAIM YOUR SEXUALITY!!!! (while Brick House was playing in the background) (plus there are usually older fatter women than you and they immediately make you feel better about yourself) ** once you start to feel good again, people around you start to take notice, you give off a vibe the minute you walk into a bar or a party, and people want to be around positive happy people.



4) write down all of the shitty horrible awful things he used to do. this is a tough one because we actually delude ourselves into thinking we had a story book fairy fucking tale of a relationship. in reality?? there were times that sucked. a lot of 'em!!! try to think about every time he hurt you and write it down so you can have it as a reference when you're missing him and recalling all that good stuff he used to do for you, with you, etc.



5) DO NOT under any circumstance call or text him. BAAAAAD idea, usually doesn't turn out well, and if you're in an angry phase of the break-up you could leave an awfully mean horrible tragic message on his voicemail telling him to go fuck himself, and that you were the best thing that ever happend to him. so yahhhhhh. don't call him.



6) Bridget Jones' Diary, The First Wive's Club, Waiting to Exhale, Kill Bill, High Fidelity, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Something's Gotta Give, The Way we Were, Casablanca, and any slasher/horror movies...all good break-up movies. Bad idea???? going to see 500 Days of summer in the movie theatre alone on a saturday night. or watching The Notebook at all. Give yourself a grace period of at least 6 months before you pop that into your dvd player.



i hope these things help ease your pain just a little bit. i know it sounds cheesy but this is where your friends and family (and wonderful therapist if you're fortunate enough) come in handy. lean on them. Good news??? you will get over it. Bad news?? it might take awhile. What they say is true.... you can't help but look back on the last best thing that happened to you (ie: the last person you were in love with) but as soon as you take care of YOU and get distracted by the things that make you happy that new man will come into your life who makes you laugh and who will love and adore you, and i'm betting it's going to be a million times better than anything you're used to.